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Edgar Allen Poe's - To The River...

Fair river! in thy bright, clear flow
Of crystal, wandering water,
Thou art an emblem of the glow
Of beauty -- the unhidden heart --
The playful maziness of art
In Old Alberto's daughter;

But when within thy wave she looks - -
Which glistens then, and trembles - -
Why then, the prettiest of brooks
Her worshipper resembles;
For in my heart,as in thy stream,
Her image deeply lies - -
The heart which trembles at the beam
Of her soul - searching eyes.

Geezer's Rewrite:

Dark waves! beneath your enigma so;
within that, oh so troubled water,
Your father doesn't know,
the depth of your deceptive heart.
How well you've learned, passion's part.
Yes you did, Old Alberto's daughter.

Yet, when within yon waves you look,
you see me and I tremble.
Seen here in this muddy brook,
is that lover I resemble.
Your image branded in my eyes,
with your laser beam,
My ears filled with your sweetest lies
I'm blinded, by what I've seen

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

The word [ un-hidden ], seems very unwieldy, I would have used; clear- viewed, clear-seen, or some such. What is [maziness]? I don't think that was a word, even in his day.
The second verse is weak, with the mention of a man behaving like a pretty brook. Not exactly the kind of suitor, that one would like to have his daughter have. ~ Gee

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author comment

First of all I looked up "maziness".

ma·zy   [mey-zee]
adjective, -zi·er, -zi·est.
full of confusing turns, passages, etc.; like a maze; labyrinthine.
Origin:
1500–10; maze + -y1
Related forms
ma·zi·ly, adverb
ma·zi·ness, noun

So it looks like it's a word after all. I would not have thought so.
I actually quite like the poem and was unaware of it until now. I do not understand the "Old Alberto" reference, so if anyone gets it let me know please. I'm sure it's something obvious as hell that I'm looking right through.
The meter and rhyme scheme are unproblematic and I would likely change nothing in that respect. The keenest trick here for me is her gazing into the stream leaving her reflection that likewise, in regards the lover, she has done with him.
I've always been a fan of Poe's though some of his poetry can get pretty "thick". This borders on it that his point must be carefully read (by dummies like me) to be understood instead of washing over us in its obvious intent. Maybe that's what's meant by "subtle".
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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"Decameron."(courtesy of Richard J. Lord via Thomas Mabbott. A young widow openly return the love of an elderly physician named Alberto. In keeping with the setting of the Italian river Po(for pun with Poe).
-- Anonymous, February 09, 2002

This is the sort of obscure reference that shit's me to tears.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
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thanks for clearing that one up!

...that's just the sort of thing that shits me to tears. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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of asking if these words are words, I should just look them up! I feel kinda dumb. Yes, Poe can be pretty thick. My guess is that Old Alberto's daughter is the maiden of the poem. I think however, that the name of her father was just made up for the meter. ~ Gee

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author comment

Have you ever read The Conqueror Worm? It's my favorite of Poe's. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I thought the poem was nice. Poe is one of my favorites poets. if the punctuation was used were the meaning would be made clear would have made it a better read

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I think the mind has to wrap itself in what lies behind the words of poems. Images, feelings, associations, that are always relevant to the times in which a poem is written. In my opinion, this alone is an *art*.

Poetry (again imo) is not about mental constructions to be understood, but that evasive and illusive, subtle effect upon the soul, the heart of the reader. Poetry is meant to take one out of
one's mental fabrications into what elevates mundane living, which, for me, depletes my energy.
It's what elevates my soul, energizes me and helps me deal with the realities of life, which sometimes are near unbearable.

If my presence @ Neopoet can be used for one observation: that poetry is an art that uplifts us,
and compels us to be inspired, to have a sense of completion and belonging, to acknowledge our heart of hearts, longing to be one, rather than our minds which always seem to create division, disagreement and hostility, fear and hatred.

Whether we are depressed, experienced pain of relationships or hardships, love is the one and only thing that raises us above our basest, uninspired nature.

Thanks for sharing a Poe love-poem, Sir G.. Sort of proves my point. ;-)

~Anna

but what would you change in he poem?

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

My only thing is, I wish that the punctuation was placed better.

and I like the regular rhyme and content.

The second stanza is a bit suss in content, do I read it right in that she sees his aged beauty only in the non-relection of waves and streams? He sees her beauty and love only from within his own perception.

Scansion and rhyme are superb.

The last line
Of her soul - searching eyes.
makes more sense as
Of her soul-searching eyes.

skinhead form-
Dirty old fuck,
bash him.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

so from inception -
"Fair river! in thy bright, clear flow
Of crystal, wandering water,
Thou art an emblem of the glow
Of beauty -- the unhidden heart -"
I draw too much comparison to the Elizabethan poets, and I find him wanting. I would prefer the metaphor "symbol of the glow of beauty", but that's a personal preference, which has no bearing on the poem's merit.
If the above would be an example of an attempt at "the sublime" the closing lines to me are an example of a Hallmark card - viz. the ridiculous!
"For in my heart,as in thy stream,
Her image deeply lies - -
The heart which trembles at the beam
Of her soul - searching eyes."
Sorry folks! Just my take!
Thanks for posting
Boni

Bonitaj

you did yourself proud! I'll choose your re-write any day over Poe's ;)

Bonitaj

I took Jess at his word and I injected a little sarcastic humor and tried to parody it as well. I'm glad you liked it. Remember, Chat on the Darkside starts the first Saturday of next month. Dec. 3d. ~ Geezer

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author comment

the only think I have to say is, I think it would read bettter "Yes you did, Old Alberto's daughter." I think it flows better, but that's just me. I love your rewrite.

but not by much. Your re-write is excellent. There are some meter problems that if solved would make it read better and, of course, "I" would have used more rhyme (it's a curse).

Okay, after another read, I don't know that there is much to bother about in meter. This is a really good poem. Mostly a modernistic feel with a hint of the 19th c. thrown in.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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N.B. Please post your edit/ re-write as a poem straight after the original in the same box, so we can compare them directly. Do not post as a comment on the thread or on a separate page. Click edit and paste your work in directly after the original poem.

In other words both poems, the original and the edit/rewrite should appear in the post. Sorry if I was unclear

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

i like your rewrite

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
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and thank you and [weirdelf places an enchantment of protection on you from any curses Poe might send from his grave]

Any feedback on this workshop or ideas for furure ones please let me know at
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/critique-quickie

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

the protection spell. I'm sure that Poe is a little miffed to find I mock his attempt at a romantic poem. ~Gee

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