Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Earth-ache

The sweet dream,
A horrendous scream
Aborted.

Secret inner fears,
Now to the extreme
Ignited.

Seeking a gleam
Out in the night
I hurried.

Greed- sharpened claws,
Dripping blood
The soil deeply clenched

Dying Planet
Past glorious days helplessly
Mourned.

Droves of lost earthlings
Dark streets
Roamed

Ravenous sharks ,
biophagous marauders
I recognized

Scrumptious baitballs,
fleshy quarries
Oddly ignored

Predators and preys
For a sanctuary
They all fierily looked

Side by side
The street they sorely
lurched

Doomed
For life they desperately
Gasped

Poisonous belch
Their senses to death
Throttled.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

i like the theme of this poem and it flows for the first three stanzas, the next three don't fit the rythm , although I like this stanza;

Greed- sharpened claws,
Dripping blood
The soil deeply clenched

I think it would work better if the first 3 stanzas didn't have such a tight rhyme. This stanza doesn't work for me at all :

crumptious baitballs,
fleshy quarries
Oddly ignored

Apart from that I really enjoyed it.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Talk about post apocalyptic catastrophe. Each stanza is another complete vision presented as pieces of the whole. This poem worked. Period.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

but not going to give you any useful critique until you start giving it to others too. Neopoet is a community, not a feedback service.

Be brave. I have learned more about poetry from giving critique than I learned studying it academically.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

There is no better way to learn a subject than by teaching it. Start with my shit and be brutal. Jess is. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.