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Dear Dad

Dear Dad

I've spent too much time hating you
and now I miss you.
You died before I could say
important things
like I love you,
I miss you,
you taught me
but not enough before you left.

I thought you were a prig,
controlled by logic,
your heart a cold grey thing.
But now I know,
you did the best you could
with what you had.

I forgive you
and I apologise
for judging you.

But not for being who I am
a poet.
Could you ever have accepted that?
We'll never know.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
for once I write "from the heart" which normally makes bad poetry. And does this time too, forgive me, it needed to be said.
Editing stage: 

Comments

emotionality makes for the best poetry! And where does emotion come from? If you are dispassionate about what you write, your technicality can be the best in the world, but I don't think that anyone other than someone looking for the precise answers would be impressed. Poetry is not meant to be other than from the heart. No matter what the subject. What makes us laugh, cry and otherwise be involved, is what makes us read and enjoy. Your piece is something that many people will sympathise with. ~ Gee

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

this is a crap poem, something I just had to get out of my system.

With a little craft any poem can be better. The real greats, whether classic or freeform, really knew their stuff. The first and foremost in English poetry is meter. I've written a piece for the newsletter and plan to run a series of blogs in conjunction with it.

Poetry "from the heart" is almost always crap.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

the child in you seems to have awakened while writing this one..because there is a lot of innocence in the communication you have tried to establish for communicating your inner thoughts with the spirit of your dad...

the transition from a child to adulthood is smooth in the later half of your write ..seeking his opinion about what he makes of you to be worthy of his genes which you have inherited..

being not aware of what kind of relationship existed between the two of you while he was alive my comments above are more objective based on assumptions rather than fact....it could also be that this poem may not be of your own experience
but an attempt to objectively project a son-father relationship...

raj (sublime_ocean)

you should have joined Shark Pool's Deep Analysis workshop, though you have commented and they have been worthwhile.
Please join us next time.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

good to know my perception of your write was well aligned...

nice to know that i am thought to be worthy of being in the shark pool...it would be a progressive step when i do venture there...

thanks for your encouraging comment...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Poets shit poems, does that make them crappy?

Rewrite it until you feel you have written a poem worthy of your father's love.

~A

but it may take some time to revisit this, was a kind of cathartic piece.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

VAMPIRES AND OIL was crap. THIS is POETRY. Cut the shit and adnit it--straight from the "heart," boy-o.

keep well, my friend

Joe

Yes, it's "from the heart" but take out the line breaks and it's just prose.

I exxpect more discernment from you, Joe.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Take out the line breaks from any poem, and you get ptose. Poetry isa unique language. You are harder on y o urself than y ou are on otheers--I learned. Now take a discerning man's observation and accept the goddamned compliment. YOU WROTE A MIGHTY FINE PIECE OF POETRY, boy-o

go to the beach and enjoy the day.

Joe

thanks mate

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

oh! So not so. I did the exercise and formatted it without line breaks. And you know what? I was impressed with my craft. It's not such a bad poem after all.
As Stan (in Southpark) says- well I've learned something today.
Poetry from the heart without conscious intervention of craft is not always crap.
But if you've learned a bit of craft, it comes in naturally.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I am learning my craft from you, my friend, as well as some others here, and I am managing to write better.

take care

joe

Seems to have been written from a much younger person's perspective. Perhaps getting the catharsis out of the way now will clear the way for a much better poem about your father later................stan PS a poem written with deep emotion might be technically unsound, but never crap

but bad poetry is bad poetry whatever the emotion. This is an issue I have with so many people on this site. If you write authentic emotions badly, it is bad poetry and demeans the emotions.

For examples look at the trite fucks who write profusely but don't try to improve their craft by making revisions, let alone joining workshops. They could probably get jobs with Hallmark.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

By crikey I want to take you to Wollumbin while you're in Aussie. It's not far South of Brisbane, near Byron Bay.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
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