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Corporate Villanelle (repost for Fixed Forms workshop)

all property is theft we know is true
this knowledge will now free our thoughts from chains
and corporation's death will soon ensue

with revolutionary spirit we pursue
the boss's lies to death till none remains
all property is theft we know is true

we fight for liberation overdue
our struggle will alleviate our pains
and corporation's death will soon ensue

these hoards of wealth continue to accrue
the trickle-down’s a sop for empty brains
all property is theft we know is true

into the sea and air they daily spew
the waste and filth from ill-gotten gains
and corporation's death will soon ensue

we take the time to think the process through
and each of us class consciousness attains
all property is theft we know is true
and corporation's death will soon ensue

Done a vid-
https://youtu.be/dNOLjKXqEUo

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Fuck that was hard! Haven't written a villanelle for a quarter century or so. I'm sure it was easier then. Maybe I wasn't so strict on form then. Totally open to suggestions.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I know it is technically close to form.

But does it have any passion? Soul? The subject certainly does for me, but does it come across?

Oh, and thank you, sir.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

kind sir.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

Ian,

needs a chorus, bridge, middle 8 and spoken outro before I'll touch it! LOL!

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

No, the work merely exemplifies the difficulty in writing with a strong message that over-rides prosodic form.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

and brought tears to poor elfies eyes,
thankyou

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

I like how and what you did this Villanelle on Jess. I only have one trip up for me in this line:

the bosses lies to death till none remains

I read it out loud and it sounds like too many s's. How about the bosses lied to death till none remains or

the boss lies to death till none remains

I am not sure but only want to throw this out at you. I am trying to get back to reading and commenting to the best of my agility:)

I also remember doing one of these and it is harder than most people want to put the effort to writing. Makes me think to try one again after reading this of yours today. Good job mate.

Mona

and good suggestions, you're quite right about that line,
I'll look into it,
thankyou

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

Them thar "vaniller" forms seem to be sproutin' up more lately. Reckon I'll look up the rules an try one meself 'fore long lol. Only obvious flaws I see in one quick read is that a few commas here and there could be used to break up thoughts.................stan

will check out my punctuation

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

in CAPS with exclamation mark. How dramatic!

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

Takes a lot of time, energy and know-how, to write a good poem about potent subject-matter in any *strict* form, doesn't it Jess?

~A

but ultimately I feel it was worth it in this case- to me the somewhat archaic sounding stucture roils nicely with the dynamycism of revolutionary thought.

I suspect I'll be doing a few more works in various tradional forms.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

While I'm not really fond of the form, merely
because of the repetition, which usually feels
forced, and annoying, I think this one, probably
because of the content, doesn't do that. And just
for that you deserve acknowledgement.

I did have a couple of suggestions, it would mean some
changes, but I think would be worth at least considering.
First two lines; instead of "is" true, how about "it's" true.
then perhaps second line; instead of "will now", perhaps
"should now" ... the reason I say this is because this IS
information widely known, and that in itself SHOULD be
enough to rally the common man into saying it's enough.
Great content incorporated in this villanelle, thanks for
posting for us all to see.

Richard

Yes, I think I agree with those suggestions, gonna revise soon.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

great commentary
- doesn't need to be particulary emotive, although it is in a way.... very stongly worded and powerful in its own right - it says much for a person to digest...

one little thing
- 'the waste and filth from ill-gotten gains' - seems to be missing a syllable....
(lol just in mho)
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

you're the only one who picked up on that meter error, though I was well aware of it, thanks again.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

I just reposted this for Judyanne's "Fixed Verse" workshop.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment

for reposting this
i've already commented above, nothing to add -
it's a great example of villanelle for the shop

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

and it was almost as hard to read as it was to write.
Villanelle is not a friendly form.
https://youtu.be/dNOLjKXqEUo

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

author comment
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