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Clean Sweep...

Her weak eyes could hardly see
I had to show her where to sign
if it hadn't been for me
it would have been blank...that dotted line

She doesn't need a vacuum
with a power-cord and more
to clean the threadbare carpet
covering her floor

It picks up all the cat-hair
with this attachment, don't you see
Of course, it will cost extra...
just a little fee

As I leave her cold apartment
I'm having no regret
I've sold more than all the others
and I've won our little bet

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
This one is in response to Jess's challenge to write something that will offend everyone. I thought that maybe duping a little old lady into buying an expensive vacuum that she doesn't need and can't afford, would be more offensive than a cannibal-killer-chef. "Which doesn't seem to bother most people here." ~ Gee
Editing stage: 

Comments

There were a few lines I would have written differently but the changes would not improve this only make it different. As to offending everybody, there is a pretty big gap between distasteful and universally offensive. You need to do better in relating to the reader on a personal level which is much more difficult. But I did like the point of view of a heartless salesman.............stan

I've had the chance to reflect on it and see your point, I will try harder to offend everyone. Thanks for the read and critique. ~ Gee

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author comment

no redeeming features. except perhaps good meter and rhyme.
Have you seen the movie "Vacuuming Completely Nude in Paradise"? It reminds me of that. But there at least the second protagonist had the decency to feel guilty about fucking a retarded girl and selling vacuum cleaners to retards who couldn't afford them.

Stilll, I would put a but of social conscience in this, if I could, but it's up to you.

cheers,
Jess
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Stan's comments, I thought it might be much harder to win than this. So I wrote another that is almost certain to offend most everyone! I think you will like that one much better Jess. I will however, work on this in the future. ~ Gee

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author comment

offensiveness pays,
it places the opponent ,
in a defensive position
You excel

loved

I enjoyed your poem greatly. I think it was highly imaginative and off the beaten path. One never knows exactly what will offend whom, LOL!

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

I think that I was more offended than most everyone else, but it was a story taken from real life. I was being trained by a slick salesman who thought more of his sales record than the people he sold to. I was so disgusted by him and his tactics, that I quit the next day! ~ Gee

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