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Clandestine

Clandestine

nerves raw and stuttering
with pure impatience
I await changes that
seem never to come
stuck at the mercy
of another's indulgence
I pace in anticipation
grinding my teeth
in needling frustration
there are confidences
on your enticing lips
There are secrets here
to be revealed
perhaps I need a spade
instead of a spoon
to unearth them

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

the way i perceived it, this write is about the impatience while waiting for a clandestine rendezvous with a lover and the impatience even after meeting him, yearning to go further than a kiss and then the realization that it should last longer ...nicely composed...

if i may make a wee bit of suggestion, choose an alternative word or expression for the word "unearth" which appears twice...how about changing it in the last line to
"to prize them out"?

raj (sublime_ocean)

You are right on the money with this one. Thanks for the suggestion.

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

good to know my perception was right while connecting with this lovely write....my pleasure to read it again...

the change from "shovel" to "spade" is nicely done

raj (sublime_ocean)

I heard this one and I felt this one. Unnerving yes. In this line should it be enticing instead of inticing? Of course I do not have my dictionary up and you could be right and I could be wrong.

on your inticing lips
There are secrets here

enticing lips

Another thought to throw at you here:

perhaps I need a spoon
instead of a shovel
to unearth them

suggests: perhaps I need a shovel
instead of a spoon to unearth them. (this meaning they are bigger to unearth with the shovel instead of the spoon) hmmm thinking..good one Golden Gal and hope all is well by you.
No secrets here but a good feedback to you on this one as the visual and the words ringing in my ear. Now I await that secret to finally unfold itself.
Hugs - Mona

I liked your idea and changed my original to it. Thanks so much!

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

Lady are so welcome:)

I liked the love affair theme, I liked it all.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Thanks much!

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

It is always so good to hear from you! Thanks for reading and commenting.

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

nerves raw and stuttering with pure impatience I await changes that seem never to come stuck at the mercy of another's indulgence I pace in anticipation grinding my teeth in needling frustration there are confidences on your enticing lips There are secrets here to be revealed perhaps I need a spade instead of a spoon to unearth them

 

The words I bolded were the ones I loved. Their placement, strength, and sound made the poem for me. In fact, it was those words that made the poem enjoyable to read aloud.

 

Okay I don't know what happened to the formatting... SORRY!

.

J.A. Fisher

Thank you for your indepth review of my poem. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

wonderful language cat
this write really strikes a chord....

to be at the mercy of another's whim is a bad place to be....
love and biggest hugs
judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

How are you?!!! So good to see you! It is nice to have you back here!
Yes, at someone's mercy is not good. But it happens.

Thanks for reading and taking th time to respond!

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

Let me think on your suggestion for a few. Thank you for reading and making a suggestion. It is greatly appreciated.

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment
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