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choice words...

choice words

Can you dream up a wind or be seen by a sound?
Does your heart count it’s beats, is that which is not ever found?

Strange though they seem these questions are asked
From the depth of a dream with a fact that is tasked.

Will the willow stop bending be the straightest of trees?
Is there no happy ending though we try to appease?

Can you ask of a child what is not known to man?
Do young minds remain wild while ours work to a plan?

I go on with my questions into the deepest of night
Asking only good intentions percolate through my site

So then, do we accept that the universe isn’t small
Could worms ever expect to become incredibly tall?

I know you maybe tired with my questions on faith
But it’s habit I acquired feels as natural as breath

See how can you truly believe in that which will never be seen?
We know the power to deceive has forever and always been

So I’ll ask of you now then I won’t ever ask again
can we acquire an honest vow to share all that we gain?

That the hungry can feed and the thirsty can drink
To fulfil this basic need is easier than you think

Can we fly to the moon send flying ships to mars?
Would we reach the poor sooner if they lived on the stars?

Riveting rhetoric flows freely from one who has so far failed
But I know if I remain steely I’ll get this one nailed.

Can you find comfort in your conscience with all you see and read?
Would it make a difference If you order those in charge, to lead !

Stop thinking of themselves forget about their greed
Take the bloody food from the shelves give it to those who need

So I charge you dear friend when you rise from your seat
Gear up your rear end race onto the street

Tell whoever that will listen to your subtle honest voice
There’s a lot were missing, we must make a proper choice

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Another rant..
Editing stage: 

Comments

but as with "On a Mountain Pass" I feel you stretching and contorting too much for rhyme. Why do you do it to yourself?

Look what happens if you combine it into rhyming couplets with internal rhyme. It gives you the freedom to edit more freely for meter and not stretch so often, perhaps even combine the stanzas more meaningfully.-

Choice Words

Can you dream up a wind, or be seen by a sound ?,
Does your heart count it’s beats ?, is that which is not, ever found.

Strange though they seem, these questions are asked,
From the depth of a dream, with a fact that is tasked.

Will the willow stop bending, be the straightest of trees ?,
Is there no happy ending ?, though we try to appease

Can you ask of a child, what is not known to man ?,
Do young minds remain wild, while ours work to a plan ?

I go on with my questions, into the deepest of night,
Asking only good intensions, percolate through my site

So then, do we accept, that the universe isn’t small,
Could worms ever expect, to become incredibly tall ?

I know you maybe tired, with my questions on faith,
But it’s habit I acquired, feels as natural as breath

See how can you truly believe, in that which will never be seen ?,
We know the power to deceive, has forever and always been

So I’ll ask of you now, then I won’t ever ask again,
can we acquire an honest vow, to share all that we gain

That the hungry can feed, and the thirsty can drink,
To fulfil this basic need, is easier than you think

Can we fly to the moon, send flying ships to mars ?,
Would we reach the poor sooner, if they lived on the stars ?

Riveting rhetoric flows freely, from one who has so far failed,
But I know if I remain steely, I’ll get this one nailed.

Can you find comfort in your conscience, with all you see and read ?,
Think, can you make a difference ?, If you order those in charge, to lead

Stop thinking of themselves, forget about their greed,
Take the bloody food from the shelves, and give it to those who need

So I charge you dear friend, when you rise from your seat,
Gear up your rear end, race onto the street

Tell whoever that will listen, to your subtle honest voice,
There’s a lot that were missing, we must make a proper choice

See? What were line breaks are now caesuras, which can be enjoined with impunity, giving the poem more freedom and flow. Forgive my presumption, I hope this helps, just trying to open it up a bit for you.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Jess, you are not in the least presumtuous, in fact you have been very enlightning. I love what you have done to this poem, and will change it forth with. Many thanks Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

you could still do a bit of editing for meter if you chose but especially for punctuation, there are some superfluous commas, especially after question marks, a space before questions marks for some reason and one spelling-
Asking only good intensions [intentions]

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I have done as you asked. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment

Thank you Lonnie, your comments are much appreciated. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

author comment
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