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Broadway for Lovesick Puppies
A silver stage,
dim lights,
applause, resume.
Silent pause, you assume-
Your electric presence,
my eccentric absence.
And I presume, it's time
for a curtain-call.
You, and me;
that’s all.
(part two of the three poem set can be found at http://new.neopoet.com/node/encore )
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is a part of a three poem set I've written. Will post the others soon!
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2011-08-11 19:13
I wonder...
how you came up with the title for this one? I am assuming that it is somewhat a love poem. It has that feel. Your language use was fine, the rhythm/pattern/ pacing were also good. I like the theme, as it asks the question of how was it for you? [My assumption] The beginning and end were smoothly intergrated by the internal logic. My only criticism is in the use of the commas. i would rather not see them at the end of the line in the first two. All in all, a good piece of work! ~ Geezer
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
dhruv
Sun, 2011-08-14 15:48
the title comes from the fact
the title comes from the fact that i started off writing a mushy love story before i ended up writing this. also, my love for theatrics and my love for poetry sort of moulded into one with this. also, this poem is the first part of a three part set on the same topic.
i think i know what you mean by the excessive use of commas. the first two sentences lose the flow they would otherwise have.
i should put the second part on neopoet right now, i guess i will. would love to hear your comments on that as well!
lovely to hear from you, the criticism is highly appreciated!
Dhruv
author commentEduardo Cruz
Fri, 2011-08-12 19:31
Interesting
Using the great white way. The art of conveying something on the stage, then using poetry to convey that feeling of two people without an audience. just themself too feel the passion of the art which is love.
Eddie
PS. I live in NYC, Manhattan. I know Broadway so well.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
dhruv
Sun, 2011-08-14 15:50
absolutely. i love theatrics
absolutely. i love theatrics and drama. i love poetry. this is something of a lovechild of the two, i suppose. :P
the second part shall be up soon. would love to hear you comment on it!
thanks for the comment mate :)
Dhruv
author commentloved
Sun, 2011-08-14 19:17
its like
Three steps to the valley of love
Then the fall.
First mental command,
Then second rise,
Third the finale...
By now you know it
As the curtain prematurely stalls,
Ere it finally does fall
Love the theatrics after all.
Like Romeo and Juliet
Modern days
Like a ballet cum bullet
loved