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a boulevard of waiting trees

we walk together on friday nights
under a swirl of wet leaves
clinging
to unclothed limbs and faces long and lonely.
there's a round puddle
where our rain boots make waves for the boat
some child of eight left behind.
here and again we eye the miles of fences
and the NO TRESPASSING signs
nailed on wood or vinyl with a splash of red.
our footsteps wind around the corridor
where a group of strangers
smoke pipes
string violins for the nightingales
and recite unwanted haiku to the march moon.
before the sidewalk ends
we kiss twice
and think hard about this stretch of sunset—
how is the horizon a few miles short
and why does bitterness perfume these trees?
hours later the grasses bend to the left
the magnolias shy to the right
and the stars hush to hear us depart.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
I'm compiling a "working book" and will like any suggestions to improve before i submit it to the press. thanks in advance! oh, and i'm happy to return any constructive critiques :)
Editing stage: 

Comments

Congrats on your first posting here Lil, I really admire the way you show/tell a poem and a scene and I am sure you will be admired here by others for it too. I adore the middle of this poem, the part of 'string violins for the nightingales' that is just a beautiful metaphor. I perhaps tripped up on the longer line about the boat some child of eight left behind..my suggestion is perhaps to end the line on 'make waves' and then to just say on the following line ' boat that an eight year old child left behind. It's strong though, as always.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

thanks! yeah, the line break on this one is kinda rough right now...i'm still mulling over what to do about this...thanks for the suggestion!

author comment

Forgive me for not commenting earlier, but I've been a little busy.

I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy this poem. I find it powerful, smooth and evocative. The imagery is wonderful, I've walked through the same wet neighborhoods you describe so vividly, right down to the wooden and vinyl fences with their signs.
I cannot fault the cadence either, rhythym and pacing are excellent.
And what I like most of all is the sense of detachment of the couple in the poem, that their intimacy makes everything around them somehow secondary to what they share. LOL I hope that makes sense!

I understand that you came from All Poetry? If so, then their loss is most definitely our gain.

Bookmarked.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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