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ATTEMPTING SUSAN

I shall one day write a poem about
the one I find most fair
the girl I've known since distant youth
who now has silver in her hair

One day I hope to have the skill
to paint her kind eyes, emerald green
which with a glance melts my heart,still
holding the most love I have seen

A voice I can pick from a crowd
seldom ill, oft filled with laughter
attuned to be heard just by me
in this life and ever after

Then there are such warm soft hands
which often I still find in mine
as we share our common path
on the way to shop or dine

How to describe her in my arms?
we were made to fit together
no matter how our bodies change
regardless of the time or weather

I see that day is not here yet
my writing's lacking, I concur
but one day I still hope with verse
to capture how my heart sees her

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

it made me feel feelings I did not want to feel.

Rhyme on course, meter meandering as usual.

I can only, and I say reluctantly,
say that this is fucking good poetry

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I am beginning to think that meter drift might be part of my style lol. The truth within this poem is that I really Do feel inadequit in having the talent to convey the depth of my feelings for my wife. Thank you for dropping by and commenting on this..........stan

author comment

otherwise this rhyme would not resonate so.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I agree with Jess that this is great poetry, but the meter problems are profuse. It's all the more frustrating when to my eye most of the inconsistencies can be solved with little or no change to content.
E.g. line one..."I shall one day write (all) about"... this puts it in sync with line three.
Then in four which must sync with two... "who now has silver hair."
Almost all of the meter slips are that simple. With the rhyme scheme and the stanza shape the poem pretty much (to my ear) demands the even rhythm.
Were this mine, I would tweak it because everything else about is quite lovely and takes you many steps toward that day when you think you can express your wife in poetry. Personally, I know how hard that is.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thanks for stopping by and leaving your thoughts. I seldom leave a poem alone so your suggestions will be most helpful when I edit this.................stan

author comment

Oh how I want to change this line Stan: "and holds the most love I have seen"
I am in accord with the remarks here, what a wonderful sense of love comes from behind these words, its essences perfume our minds as we read, love to you both Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

I edit a poem, it goes to stream head which leads to further ideas for editing lol.Thanks for the suggestion......stan

author comment

I like this piece very much, on one hand it works for Susan and on the other it expresses the desire to write better pieces. Above all, the reader is carried to the end by the feeling of love. Thank you for sharing and best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

This is a piece that is a part of you that physically thinks of how to portray the Lady, one day you will find a space in place and time where you can think of her as a thought, then I hope that you have a pen handy to put the words down.
Poetry will take a sideline, as you will only think speak of the lady, as your soul will see the purity of all things, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Always good to see you.Thanks for the time to read and comment............stan

author comment

Much easier to describe physical qualities than the mind I also love. Thanks for dropping by.........stan

author comment
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