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Apologies to Blake, Wesley's challenge

I decided to accept Wesley's challenge to convert this verse of Blake to Iambic, but won't try for pentameter, that would demand a total re-write.

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.

 

To see a World in Sand's small Grain
a Heaven in a flower's bloom,
To Hold infinity in your hand's palm
Eternity each hour.

To see/ a World/ in Sand's/ small Grain
a Heav/en in/ a flow/er's bloom,
To Hold/ infin/ity/ in your/ hand's palm
Etern/ity/ each hour.

 

Any suggestions?

Editing stage: 

Comments

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.

A grain of sand is a small world
heaven is not a wildflower
infinity not just an hour
now shaped and formed by human hands

~A

though it bears little resemblance to Blakes meaning. Ego my dear?

A grain/ of sand/ is a small/ world
heaven/ is not/ a wildflower
infin/ity/ not just/ an hour
now shaped/ and formed/ by hum/an hands

those last two lines are good iambic though.

cheers,
Jess
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Well done. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Does :
The world's within a grain of sand
and heaven's in each flower's bloom
infinity grasped in one hand
eternity each hour's doom

......Work?

and closer to the original's intent.

The world's/ within/ a grain/ of sand
and heav/en's in/ each flow/er's bloom
infin/ity/ grasped/ in one hand
etern/ity/ each hour's/ doom

 

The first two lines perfect. You've inspired me to improve mine, realising that, if being generous infinity and eternity can both be parsed as double iambs. Pity about the use of doom though, it belies the intent to me.

cheers,
Jess
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