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Aphrodite's Wake

Bound by limitless duality
of passion and desire,
our need was mutually welcomed,
shivered touch an eagerness
unbridled through dark patchwork
hints of empty towns in sleeping country,
haunted by a lowering moon, swift on winding
paths of ancient stars through moonlit clouds
and shadowed stands of ripened corn
whispered with a kiss of breeze
from night's cool sigh of discontent
at the promise of a pale dawn
echoing with distant touch of deity,
hinting breaths unfolding,
our unseen path the graceful yearn
of Aphrodite's warm embrace.

Is it here, we asked each other,
smiles cast in crimson glow of dashboard,
or here we wondered, or perhaps right here,
until Her presense grew to overpowering,
and where grain elevators rose
beside our coiled path
to cast our needed concealment of shadow
black against the silent starlit fields
we stopped, unable to go on
without a consumation.

Night bird hints of unseen life
mingled with your gasps,
your soft cries helpless,
Her watching eyes,
the smell of you,
the graze of shuddering skin,
car's hood warm against my palms,
the hum of insects, ankles on my shoulders,
Her rhythmic breath upon us,
lust and need unbearable in joining,
nails biting at my back,
our lightning release
endless and ecstatic
in our secret joyous dark.

And after as we drove away,
convinced our next child had begun,
you curled satiated in the hollow of my shoulder,
my hands tingling on your skin
and on the steering wheel;
we flew across old unfamiliar darkness,
strangers to the landscape,
tiny in the night
yet giant,
in Aphrodite's knowing wake.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-E0RrVXy9Uw

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Your language use was phenominal! An enchanted journey (and the bright spot of my day) I really enjoy how you write of your love. I wish I could write as well. You give me a level to aspire to.

and after as we drove away,
convinced our next child had begun,
you curled satiated in the hollow of my shoulder
my hands tingling on your skin
and on the steering wheel;
we flew across old unfamiliar darkness
strangers to the landscape,
tiny in the nightscape
yet giant, in Aphrodite's knowing wake.

again, enchanting and magickal!

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
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I reposted this, but I'm glad that you have enjoyed it so much.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

This is about the third or fourth time of reading this poem, and it gets better every time. Got to agree with Cat your use of language is very good, and the story is also. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Glad that you enjoy it so much. This came out of the bi-weekly trips my wife and I take together on the alternate weekends that we are both off. We stopped somewhere in the middle of Indiana to watch the moon rise, and at the motel later that night I wrote the first draft.
She liked it too.
:D
Thanks Roscoe.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

i like this, it stays tricky which is good

Heehee.
Thanks Whitetea. I suppose that it is tricky, in the sense that it weaves a mask of words to hide its real intent, to a certain extent.
That was not my intention, but it does do it!
Glad you liked it.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

i would say that you had my interest all the way through. I did notice a couple of little things though. [deity], and leave off the [scape] ending on nightscape. You already used a very similar word, [landscape] and you don't really need it. I think the format leaves something to be desired. I would have used more capitalization and made more sentences. Just me maybe. ~ Gee

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Gods, I HATE it when I do that! lol Thanks Gee.
I see what you mean about 'scape'. tThe idea was to have a rhyme at the end, but I think that 'night' and 'giant' work better, and it improves the cadence too.
Shorter sentences: I've tried a couple of times to do that, but each time the result has either changed drastically in meaning, or even worse in feeling. Usually when this happens, I know I should leave things be, lol.
Thanks for reading, and for the critique.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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