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All Alone...

Upon a barren shore he sits
Longing to be free
From there he sees little bits
Transparent to you and me

A lonely howl of frustration
Is all he has to give
Why, in all of "tarnation"
Won't they let him live?

Time and space mean everything
Never get close enough
Not as close as spaghetti-string
Goshdog, It sure is rough!

There is a land, a paradise of love
He smells it, and howls long notes
If there are Goshdogs up above
He'd have her silken little coat

Alas, it's not to be, my friend
The distance is too great
This last scent will be the end
Then it will be too late....

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
The large Shepard-dog next door, has been howling for the last couple if days. I found that the female dog on the next block over was in heat.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Considering it is inspired by a horny dog, this is a very wistful poem and even romantic.

I'm not sure about the first stanza, the little bits bother me, maybe you could say ' looking out to sea, he grieves for what he needs'.

Apart from that I enjoyed it.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

"the little bits", it will not rhyme with the counterpoint, and it will change what it means. He is surrounded by fences on three sides, and I see him looking through the cracks in the fence. He only sees a little "bit" of the world, we see it all the time, and we see more and notice it little. [Thus, the transparency. ~ Gee

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Just add "the" in front of little bits?

Honestly I thought it "The old man and the sea" is the novel which inspired you!

Smooth rhyme and beautifully composed words.

No, it was indeed composed with the thought of the dog next door. The poor thing gets tpo see very little of the world that we take for granted. ~ Geezer

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I still do.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

disturbs you about this one? Is it the fact that he never gets any satisfaction?
~ Gee

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cos there were no girl ninja turtles

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

a shame, that nobody ever thinks of letting those Ninja Turtles get a little!. LOL

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that all the artists they are named after were gay.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Amazing where inspiration can come from isn't it? lol...............stan

it is. We had a good brainstorm last night at Lou's workshop chat. We came up with lots of ideas, just feeding from one and another. I've written a poem about a plastic bag floating in the road, and other things that some of my friends have said were off the wall,but entertaining. LOL ~ Gee

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Inspiration, now there's a thought to be inspired about. Reading your poem, Gee, and the ensuing explanation and dialogue, I too felt this was a poem that was *unsettling*, why? Because we've all felt land-locked at times (whether horny or not).

You may not have noticed it, but you took a real-life incident and made it universal. THIS is what poetry is about.

~A

to take most of my work from real life, and make it so that others can relate to it. I have a wierd mind at times, [or so my friends tell me.] This is a backyard dog, one that never gets to go in the house, and rarely gets to go anywhere for that matter. They do take him to camp with them for the summer, but the rest of the time he is in that little yard chained to his dog-house. Sad. Thanks for the read and comment, ~ Gee

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