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((((((?))))))

why blow a smoke ring
if we can not shed logic
in quest of abstract

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

ok sounds like it
but HAIKU I thought was aimed
mostly towards nature by Japanese

as u too are an upcoming Shakespeare
twill do,
Raj twill do...

loved

thanks for the read...yes it is a haiku....but i am not even an iota of a true poet..leave alone Shakespeare..i am on a learning curve ....

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

say I'm even one
nor do i have the ability to read
let alone comment or compose poetry

Humility till yesterday was Loved
now i bow down to you.
But how you are awake
at this unearthly hour
I wonder.

loved

"what keeps me awake at this hour"?...the answer is "smoke rings"...lol..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

the smoke gets in ur eyes
as its early morning
waiting for tea
as wifey sleeps or moms not awake
and they forbid you to tea make
so with your hands you shake
as puffs you blow
i see in the distant
the sea tides upturn
and your inner chest does smoke burn
perhaps cigarrettes are a gift
god given
when coffee can be served in lieu
but bitter truth can be mistaken
heaven sent this poets salaams
as urchins close in begging alms

loved

thanks for tweaking your imagination and come up with the essence of this write..but it is not what you thought it to be..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

shoot arrows
in the wrong direction
as i wish not to hurt anyone
the least u

loved

thanks for the read and tweaking your imagination..you are almost zeroing on the essence of this quip...i am sure you will break the code if you will dwell a little more...but i am happy you have read it almost right...

i look forward to how others perceive this piece which in itself would make it more interesting ...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

you certainly came up with a good take in your perception...what i meant is that i would like to know perceptions of others too if they happen to share them here...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Smoke the cigar and weigh the ash. That is how much smoke weighs.

But this poem says so much more.

What is abstract is real. Raj, your poetry is improving so much. This one is truly profound.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

thank you Jess for your appreciative comment...good to know i am improving..

Cheers!

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

thank you Ian for the read..and your comment...and also for the information about natural smoke rings from volcano Etna...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

A haiku is mostly about nature, a senryu is what you have written, Raj.

"At the simplest level, haiku are verse about nature and humanity, written in a 5-7-5 syllable pattern, while senryu are haiku-like verse, not necessarily about nature, not necessarily in that pattern.
However, even many traditional Japanese poets did not follow the 5-7-5 pattern for what they nevertheless called haiku. Furthermore, Japanese syllables are based on the consonants that surround each vowel, and have no direct parallel in English.
Since the Japanese view of nature may be impossibly foreign to the American view of the world anyway, simply imitating the form and content of traditional Japanese ideas about haiku may be the least practical approach for modern non-Japanese haiku writers.
So while I have focused most of my own haiku/senryu around nature and the seasons, I realize that the culture in which I work makes the creation of "true" haiku impossible. Personally, I see haiku as transmitters of the smallest manageable element of insight. It is because these most basic elements of thought are part of a larger web that even a casual stroll through the garden of words can bring with it the awareness of things cosmic. Above all rely on your five senses to convey your ideas. Make the reader hear, see, smell, taste, touch your ideas; don't tell, show, demonstrate, illustrate, be sensory."

http://startag.tripod.com/HkSenDiff.html ~ Haiku or Senryu, How to Tell the Difference

May I offer a suggestion for the end line?

"questing the abstract*

thank you so much for stopping by and providing immense information about haiku,,senryu and how they have evolved as poetry forms across regions and cultures...i found it very absorbing and appreciate it a lot....

i will give a thought about your suggestion about the last line...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I may have more then one interpretation here but the first one that comes to mind this morning is if it is too hot in the kitchen get the hell out:) There is an old cliche something like that about jumping in or out of the frying pan. You ever hear that one? .

I just had another image but in metaphorically speaking Here it is: Old Indian Chief is sitting there amongst his people blowing smoke rings ( peace pipes) and the Chief is not listening to his little indians. No logic from other indians means no abstract collaborations?

hmmm.... Kind of also reminds me of the political world too. Good job Raj

These are my final answers :)

Smile my friend Mona xoxox

thank you for stopping by and involving your mind in this short write...it is really interesting to see / read various perceptions like you have shared your versions...i won't be able to tell you exactly what i have attempted to convey..in those three lines...otherwise we will not be able to read how others have perceived it....i will however post another short write today which is in fact from a song i had started writing a few years back but for one reason or another i never went too far in completing it....

Cheers!

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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