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Wasteland (eddy styx) EDITED

Wasteland

torrid streams of tears

changing

into vaporous steam

falling on the desert

of his heart

her begging and pleading

disregarded

as even now

with no oasis in sight

she is discarded

and breaking

on the never ending

sand dunes

of his indifferent

consideration

hers is a slow

death by starvation

in the icy-hot

shadow-less lands

of the loveless

arid desert of his soul

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
For the "Book of Styx II"
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like the way you have used extremely short lines, and managed to retain your own style. Packed with atmosphere.

Love Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Glad you enjoyed the atmosphere!

always, Cat

*
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And responds, please be courteous
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author comment

hope your wrist is getting fine...once again you have come up with this fine composition using the elements of a desert to express emotions...the only one missed out is an oasis..though it may be out of sync in the context of the essence of this write....i was hoping you would fit it somewhere even if as a means of contrast...just a thought...the entire poem reads s well even without it...

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

I added the oasis just for you! I think it reads better now.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

good to know you liked the suggestion...hope your wrist is healing up fast..

much love..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thanks muchly!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

You've guessed the secret ingredient!

always, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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author comment

sorry cat, but just another whinging love poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Not a love poem, this is about cruelty and abuse.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

or a new brain,
sorry cat

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Everyone has an off day, LOL!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

wasteland

torrid steams
of tears
falling on the desert
of his heart

her begging and pleading
disregarded
now,
with no oasis insight
he discards her

to break
over never-ending
sand dunes
of his indifferent
consideration

hers is a slow
death by love's starvation
on a shadow-less land

she is turning into ice.....

Use whatever you will or not, Cat.

~A

Thanks for the help, it is always appreciated.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Thanks for the catch! I had been over it several times and hadn't caught it.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

I can remember writing something with a similar theme, and you're right! When you're in this territory - there is no oasis in sight!!!
Good one!
Boni

Bonitaj

I'd love to see what you have written! Is it posted on neo? Thanks for reading and commenting.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Thank you for the read. I hope that you are well.

love, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Rainshadow hearts
consume the tart tears
sweetened with ache
the agony of the drought
wrung out

Another great write Cat!
desert hides thickened
and tanned by the relentless
aridity
the feirce and brutal gaze
stiffens emotions
stiflies hearts
to one day melt
in the rare rains
the rare snows
settling
darkening all
that is divisible
and not entirely
invisible

..

RUNES

she is discarded

and breaking

on the never ending

sand dunes

of his indifferent

consideration

Wow girl spot on here.

Love To you
Witch Magic:)

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