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sleeping with the muse (Writing Forms Workshop)

variation 2:

the sun turned leaves to gold
but you were sleeping
and the world is growing cold
the muse is weeping

there are no words to rhyme
when your muse will not climb
out of bed and into your head
to write your poem sublime.

version 1

did you see the sun turn leaves to gold 6:00 a.m.
or are you still sleeping your best sleep, my friend?

I couldn't sleep much last night, this time of the year the days
are already half-passed all I kept thinking about were poems that weigh

heavy on my mind but I didn't write down the best lines
so this is just another poem that I've put to rest in rhymes

lacking depth and inspiration; sometimes you just can't seem to sleep
with your muse long enough to write your poem; you're better off counting sheep.

Last few words: 
Stan (bless his heart! cough!) decided my rewrite was to be rhyming couplets. (There is evil in the man, I tell you!) So here is my poem: Sleeping with the muse. In rhyming couplets and in its original form, free verse.
Editing stage: 

Comments

sleeping with the muse

did you see the sun turn leaves to gold
6 o'clock in the morning,
or are you still sleeping
your best sleep?

I couldn't sleep much last night,
this time of the year the days
are already half-passed
all I kept thinking about were poems

but I didn't write down the best lines
so this is just another poem
lacking depth and inspiration
sometimes you just can't seem to sleep

with your muse
long enough
to write
your poem.

(written in my usual free-style)

author comment

Now I know you can do better than this. It's RHYMING couplets not Near Rhyming couplets. Maybe you could try cutting lines in 2 also to help flow a bit. I am willing to help if you need it, but I expect your ol' stubborn self wants to do it on your own lol. Wouldn't be me if I didn't offer at least one example of an alternative :
Did you see morning sun turn leaves to gold
or sleep through it as if you're old?...........See how shorter lines makes for better flow? I know this can and will evolve into a very good rhymer as you are just getting started with it..................stan

Sorry dear, a.m. (sound of m) and friend do rhyme. I've seen it in your poems and I've heard it in masters' poems. And old the masters I know that I appreciate make the rhyming flow and don't squeeze different thoughts together in order to make it rhyme that have nothing to do with the essence of the poem. Many of my poems unintentionally rhyme because that's how the muse wants it. But the muse would never do a old-gold rhyme just because it rhymes.

Now I give YOU a job. YOU rewrite the poem in your usual, customary rhyme. Let me see how *it's done*.

I'll let this simmer for a while and see how it evolves. Besides as far as I am concerned short rhyming couplets may be the way to go for some, but they're not poetry for me. They're fun and they're like little candies. But give me a Robert Frost or a T.S. Eliot poem *rhyme poem, and I'm a deliriously happy camper.

So in a sense you're a better poet, since you can write your *empty* rhymes for the sweet tooths and you can write free style that has great skill and content....the meat and potatoes of poetry.

~A

author comment

Not wanting to get into an argument 'cause this shop is supposed to be about having fun. Yes there are times when a near rhyme is as close as one can get without sacrificing integrity of a poem. But when 3 out of 4 are near rhymes I think it stretches the point a bit lol. I'm no better poet than anybody and disagree that the meat and potatoes of poetry is free verse. Imho when done well, both are satisfying meal for the soul. I will try to give a serious example of a rewrite in a bit, for now, gotta check messages and off to work......stan

what about sheep... sleep? lines..rhymes? at least it's half, eh?

Sorry, darling give me a near-rhyme Emily DIckinson....any time.

AN ALTERED LOOK ABOUT THE HILLS

by: Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)

N altered look about the hills;
A Tyrian light the village fills;
A wider sunrise in the dawn;
A deeper twilight on the lawn;
A print of a vermilion foot;
A purple finger on the slope;
A flippant fly upon the pane;
A spider at his trade again;
An added strut in chanticleer;
A flower expected everywhere;
An axe shrill singing in the woods;
Fern-odors on untravelled roads,--
All this, and more I cannot tell,
A furtive look you know as well,
And Nicodemus' mystery
Receives its annual reply.

I wasn't born yesterday ya know...
~A

.

author comment

You know I would not be asking better of you if I did not think you could Do better. The entire purpose of this workshop is to get people to try forms they do not usually use. In doing so it might just improve upon their chosen preference. I know it has worked thus for me. None of the moderators could recall your ever writing a rhyming poem so by vote we decided that doing so would give you a good stretch. So we picked out the simplest type of rhyming form for you. We could have said"5 line stanzas with abbaa rhyme scheme lol, but we are not that evil in intentions ;-). I'm not gonna rewrite entire poem as to do so would give appearance of me trying to kidnap your poem, but I will post an alternate 1st 4-6 lines to give you a boost. You have too good a start to leave it as is........................stan

I've read your poem a few times now and the poem in itself is good, but it needs some fine tuning to make it flow better. it's a bit wordy and that take away from the brilliance hidden inside

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I will pare it down Barbara, just to prove my point that the essence is gone in short rhyming couplets. It's kid's stuff then, and McDonald's Happy Meals fare, imo.

~A

author comment

Anna,

I've not been a regular visitor recently, so am not sure if this was part of a workshop on couplets... but I definitely prefer your original free form version, Anna.

I think THAT is indeed your natural style and it flows better.... at least to my untrained non-poet ear.

The opening lines: "did you see the sun turn leaves to gold / 6 o'clock in the morning,.." are wonderfully descriptive. And the sense of .... loss.... at not having been able to put down in writing the best lines is something I identify with, I guess....

I liked this short poem...

Psyve

Yes. As I noted elsewhere, imo unless you're a song writer, and even the balladeers wrote like Chapin and Cohen and Baez wrote long poems that didn't rhyme every stanza.

Is all good for you? I think about you and yours often, P.

~A

author comment

I think, for you the art of rhyming is not a natural response. That said, you have not done badly in the 2 variations I see above. But to me it feels as if it is a response to a challange and both versions lack something I cannot define... in terms of heart

That HEART shows up in the free form original for me

I am well. Anna, thank you for asking

P

I'm going back to sleep with my muse for awhile. Recent events @ Neopoet have disoriented me, though I knew an ill wind doth blow.

I also removed my blog to save any more disgruntled reactions. If someone wants to pick up the pieces, so be it.c

All's well that ends well.

~A

author comment
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