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Elation

Submitted by lou on Mon, 2011-07-04 16:05

I witnessed the grace of innocence
The symmetry of your infant mortality,
And utopia became a probability.

Pristine eyes oblivious to the Universe
Bearer of hope, faith restored
By the vision of your vulnerability.

Occasion to retain untainted reality,
Prevent the stain ,
Live happily.

Heart engorged by love
And the urge to press you to my breast
To protect enshrouds me.

Adoration of a inconsolable naivety
Elation created by the fact
Of your birth.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Mon, 2011-07-04 22:02

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I hope you felt as good writing it as I did reading it.

Just a few technical nitpicks-

The symmetry of your enfant mortality, [infant]

Occasion to retain untainted reality, [funny, I just critted Geremia on the use of the word reality, it jars in a poem as much as the word beautiful, there is always a better way to say it]

Adoration of a inconsolable naivety [an]

Now I better get to work on mine!

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-07-05 03:47

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Lou,

I am reading this from my work computer, but when I use the work computer the top third of the screen is a black toolbar/menu...so I can only read the last two stanza's at the moment.

What I have read is good stuff, but happy!...get back to your dark and depressing stuff soon!LOL!

Will crit the whole poem when I get in as the last two stanza's aren't enough for me to appreciate the whole piece.

However, glad you were up for Jess's challenge, and he seems impressed!...now that is a miracle!! Be sure to heavily crit his attempt...I know I will! LOL!

regards,

HS

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lou

Tue, 2011-07-05 07:23

lou's picture

Oh it's hell being happy LOL!!!! Can't wait to get back to the doom and gloom.

I'll crit the Hell out of Jess's effort LMFAO!!

Cheers

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

lou

Tue, 2011-07-05 07:25

lou's picture

Blame Jess he challenged me to write a happy poem.

thanks

Love Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

lou

Tue, 2011-07-05 09:54

lou's picture

Ian, that's lovely. Glad you liked it.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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