Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
A COLD ANNIVERSARY
July 4, the day of America’s glory
Chosen before the eyes and the law
Witnessed the tying of nuptial knots
Folks like a nation in concert of states
Joined to celebrate a meaning in marriage
And sing the anniversary song thereafter
We took as settled what was given freely
Unaware of the dinghy drifting ashore
Years passed by, just like yesterday
The oven fire went out before fifteen
The soup and stew got sour in the pots
We starved on the next anniversary day
The party that came returned famished
Cold wind blew across the veranda
I sat alone with distrust, pondering
On the fate that has befallen the union
Exchange of rings, registry treaty
A paper proof of love for the realm
Attest to a long and obscure reverie
Where we say not, Happy Anniversary
But the thought of the stunning brood
Their innocent laughter and jokes
Give hope for a refreshing beginning
And reassure me of a home so far away
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
User login
Author information
Favorite Poets
Inspired by an article in an old manuscript, It reads:, AXIOMS OF PERFECTION, In the physical order – In the realization of the dream of beauty, In the moral order – In the realization of the dream of love, In the intellectual order – In the realization of dream of poetry, In the spiritual order – In the realization of the dream of the mystics
Comments
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2011-07-04 00:33
T
Interesting July 4 American poem
Beautifully written in poetic colorful images
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
t. reflexion
Mon, 2011-07-04 04:36
Barbara
Thanks, this day has deeper meaning to the Americans and all who share in her glory. Best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2011-07-04 07:21
Before anything else,
I've got to say I have a real problem with any form of patriotism. To me it ingrains separateness and disparity rather than celebrating cultural diversity. I need to say that from an ideological perspective.
As poetry I think it's possibly the best of yours I've read. Judicious, even cunning, use of rhyme and half-rhyme. There is a lovely meandering meter after the stilted first line or two of each stanza, which actually works as a counterpoint.
A really good piece of word-crafting.
Kudos.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
t. reflexion
Mon, 2011-07-04 19:31
Hi Jess
As you rightly observed, the piece is not about being patriotic, it is a reflexion on an actual marriage that took place sixteen years ago on July 4, the strain in that relationship prompted this parchment. It is a cover to protect the real people involved. Your word 'cunning' seems to expose the trick. Your keen sense of appreciation is never in doubt. Thank you.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author comment