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Breaking point...

Killer moved silent, through the crowded room
o'er crossed limbs, amid snores
An angel of doom

He just wanted, to kill them all dead
Smash faces, still voices
See only red

He looked for a weapon, one to kill
Oh, so many choices
He had dreams to fufill

For the first, he had such an evil plan
Turned up the fire
got the cast-iron pan

Pressed to the face, screams; Oh, Bloody Mary!
If it wasn't so funny
it would be awfully scary

Fats screamed loudly, not once or twice
Flames of desire,
food was his vice

Killer was happy, the screams were a riot
he would have paid money
Fats's mouth's on a diet

Questions and answers, was his next game
He had boxed rocks
What is your name?

No answer forthcoming, got his hot anger
Dumber than socks
She didn't know danger

As she struggled to think, he used his right arm
Her pretty brown locks
took some great harm

Fats' mouth was a mess, he couldn't chew
No food would ever pass
Melted jaws wouldn't do

Burns from his chin, all up his jaw
Lips seared in a mass
kept the screams in his maw

Stomped toes, kicked ribs, all kinds of such
Kept notes in the air
it was a bit much

The dummy, hit notes way off the scale
Blood in her hair
Her eyes went real pale

Killer just laughed, and he gave them some more
He echoed the screams
as he went out the door

Gee, that was fun, he said with some glee
Hey, this aint all that it seems
just taking a load off... just being me

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Just letting off some steam, but it is aggravating, having no room in the house. Hope they find their own place soon.
Editing stage: 

Comments

that it could be taken as that kind of culinary thing as Killer is an excellent chef. LOL
Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Gee
p.s. glad for your winning of the cup. Eating hearts, Hmmmmm....

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Killer would be first in line! Tongue in cheek, sounds like a good recipe for Killer to try.
Thanks Lonnie, ~ Gee

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quiet too long, he has been trying to be good, but I guess that the only thing he can be good at is killing! But that is why he was born, to take care of my anger, and do what I wouldn't do. I think that if I ever did act out my thoughts, that there wouldn't be any bail, LOL. Thanks ~ Gee

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for your vote, and Killer says hi. The pages are bloody but about to get bloodier, I have been working with Cat and Hooded Stranger, to co-author an epic poem. We have been working on it for a few weeks now, and are almost ready to post! I hope that everyone will be as pleased with it as we are. Of course we expect honest feedback, and criticism, and I am sure that we will get it, as there are three different styles, and I did all the editing. A monumental job, trying to keep the flavor of each style! Hpoe that your studies are going well, and this finds you well, Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

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Hi Gee, long time no see!

I love killer. You know this. Neo knows this. So I rarely want to change much. But how else can I contribute? So I got lucky and did have a strong enough opinion to mention,

For the first, he had such an evil plan
Turned up the fire
got the big frying pan

The last line is flat for me, my opinion. May I suggest.

got the cast iron pan,

it rolls better. In my opinion of coarse. or

got the big cast iron pan

maybe.

kept the screams in his maw??

And the title, well the title. I see why you picked it,,, but I would have went with a real killer,esk title. Again my opinion. He was just havin' fun, you said so. So breaking point. I am torn.

I missed your writes alot though and that is so little to mention in such a great read! We must meet in chat soon!

Julie

D.D.

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I have missed you too! Hope things are better for you these days. I knew that you would be back, but it was hard waiting. Killer has missed you too! I will look into the change of that line, I think you may be right, it does sound a little flat. I will also look at the title. The [maw] refers to his mouth. Maybe we can make a date, to meet on chat. I haven't been around as much as I would like lately, the taxi co. has been messing around with my work schedule, and now I am working days, and an extra day. I have Mon. Thurs. Sundays off now, so I can be up late on the previous nights. Let's get together soon. Love and hugs, ~ Gee

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