Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

i will love you

as long as you want me to
love you and longer still
i will stand by your side
for eternity if you will

see the longing i have for you
as i look deep in your eyes
i feel a spiritual connection
once born that never dies

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 

Comments

i liked this a lot .
If i may suggest something, the first stanza is written in enjambment, but i don't think it was your intention.
I think just my opinion that it might sound better like this:

"as long
as you want me to love you.
longer stilli will I stand
by your side for eternity,

if you will

see the longing i have for you
as i look deep in your eyes
i feel a spiritual connection
once born that never dies"

The "if you wil" now works for the ending of the first stanza and the beginning of the second stanza.

I hope you don't mind me taking the liberty to rearrange your poem, I didn't want to change a word because they are good ones.
link: http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/glossaryItem.do?id=8102

Regards
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

nicey

loved

Sweet, and very nicely done!

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

the poem very nicely depicts the essence of true unconditional love..you may give a thought to the suggestion made by Eddie about linking the two stanzas..

raj (sublime_ocean)

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.