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Promise...

Arms outstretched and face to the sky
He turned his eyes toward the rising sun
Greeting the world, with a heavy sigh
The night's terrible deeds were done

The vision of the unholy carnage
wrought by his bloody knife
The pulsing, pounding, red rage
As he took each worthless life

They had taken all he held dear
Without mercy, they had sucked him dry
He watched them meet their ends in fear
He saw the terror in their eyes

As each one had met his end
he had made it very clear
They took from him, what he wouldn't spend
Everyone that he held near

It was too much for him to bear
He went crazy... killed them all
They couldn't hide, not anywhere
He slashed and cut... enthralled

His raging fever knew no bounds
His glinting blade was washed with red
There were gasping, gurgling sounds
Then they all were dead

Left with nothing but his memories
Her voice carried in his heart
He spent the night on his knees
Then rose to make another start

He vowed to never love again
He would make all sinners pay
Death would be the wages of sin
A promise on that day

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

The title is perfect,,I know this so well.
I have taken revenge, that lives inside and blinds you to all that seems moral in the domisticated world,
To me the western style of this is great to tell a story of wantom violence.
this last stanza is cliche, but it works in the context of the story for me.

"He vowed to never love again
He would make all sinners pay
Death would be the wages of sin
A promise on that day"

Bravo Gee!!

Regards
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I know that the last stanza is a little cliche, but as you say, it does work with the story line. Sometimes you just can't help it. The third line of the fourth stanza seems a bit unwieldy, just a little off, can you think of a way to fix it? It's not that bad, but still bothers me. Unfortunatly, with rhyming lines, you are sometimes limited in your options. Oh well, I'm sure that someone will be able to help. When does the next Splash Pool open? ~ Gee

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That line bothered me also
But I didn't give it much thought because of the point it made, but since you asked:

As each one had met his end
he had made it very clear
They took what he didn't want to spend
Everyone that he held dear

This is my take without changing much, the "from him" is clear no need to mention it. I think that the "dear" works better then "near" in the context of the story.

Regards
Eddie

PS. I try not to change poets words, because it might change what they had in mind my friend

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

the idea about dropping the words, [from him] and so I used that one, but after seeing it in print, I realised that the cadance was off. So I changed it back again. I dunno, maybe I will think about it some more. [Dear] is closer to what I had in mind. ~ Gee

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the new workshop starts this week, It will be on the forms of writing and critique I have your name down already, I give you the start day this week coming up.

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I think you've got! Only one little bitty change. They took from him, what he [wouldn't] spend. As to the other line: Everyone that he held near, was better than having to defend against an obvious cliche, and We all know that that would have surely happened. Higgest bugs in return, ~ Gee

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it was powerful and passionate, I took the idea from a t.v. show. I won't mention the name, but it is one of those profiler- type shows. Anyways, I asked myself, what would I do, if someone murdered my wife? What might I do, or rather what might Killer do? As you well know, Killer has no compunctions about doing away with sinners! LOL Thanks for the read and comment. Nice to see you decided to hang around. ~ Gee

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I agree with Jayne,

He vowed to never love again
He would make all sinners pay
Death would be the wages of sin
A promise on that day

I think it works. We are all grown-ups here (at least that is the theory) and can deal with the subject of love. I like it much!

love, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

I really like that ending as it is, much better than any other, because in a way it is cliche, and everyone can relate to it. Just because it is so recognisable and raw, I think that that is why it works so well. I think you knew this already, but this is my way of saying that you really touched on it. Thanks, love ya, ~ Gee

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