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A Ritual Endeavor

Your vapor brushes edges

my prism scatters time

presumptuous are circles
'round this sultry
sleight of hand.

Your song

a silent symphony
too raw to mend my tears
as it wedges through my essence;

floats half hung with muffled jeers.

Aphrodisiac of
redolence
mid ache of pointed pleasure

your release -

implicit servitude;
a wealth of weight and measure.

On the edge,
a new adventure -

adrenaline courses my veins

and paints soft coats of colors
'cross your girth of gilded chains.

Tooled and punctured

leather bindings
gently link mortal disguise

enlightened by
two hearts of hope

seal forged
with bask and rise
of savored time to blend as one,

a ritual endeavor

in the cunning dreams of
"yet to be"
that bind we two

forever.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments

Breathtaking imagery! You have a brilliant and lovely mind. I would be ecstatic if someone wrote something like this for me. I wonder who was your inspiration? My favorite lines are:

Aphrodisiac of
redolence
mid ache of pointed pleasure

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
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I thank you kindly for the lovely comment. I am so pleased you enjoyed this. Your thoughts and comments are most appreciated. ~Pamela

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author comment

Absolutely brilliant beginning.... there's a few turns I'd take and a few I wouldn't and some I'd weave together.. the internal rhyme, it's all about the internal rhyme!

Please forgo the ending though. Or *yet to be*, forever found..

~A

Would it be as strong if I just ended at "ritual endeavor?" Thoughts?

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author comment

I like the ending and I wouldn't change it unless you want to do it. Actually, I really like the entire poem. Very lovely work.

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

Thank you. My "un"formatted formatted rhyme. LOL as I like to call it.
It is how I practice with line breaks for natural pauses when I write free verse -
I love rhyme.

Thank you for such kind words.
~Pamela

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I've never been certain that single lines work at the start of a poem, your lines are strong but I still hesitate to say I am a fan of it, though there is nothing to say you cannot do it..I tend to read them as statements which disrupt the flow of the rest..it's me lol..the images and poetic metaphor in this is strong..the first line is a little wordy with the plural 'brushes edges' and that may be why i tripped over the first two lines being alone. The rest I loved.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

I am glad you enjoyed this piece. Not sure if I agree with the single lines though as I think they set the stage. The space between the two gives enough pause to make certain each carries its importance forward.

I like "brushes edges" - the way it feels when said, the strength of pronunciation it requires so we don't slur them together - BUT - it may be my American accent that makes the difference there. Something to think on and when I do I wonder about the logic.

Can a vapor really brush an edge? Is there maybe a better word to use? Something else to think about and I will do just that.

This is one of my favorite ways to write rhyme. Away from the stiff four line blocks that stifle smooth flow and the musicality of a poem like this. Kind of free-form rhyme.

Thank you again for popping by to read and offer your thoughts. I always appreciate them so much. ~Pamela

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author comment

This is how I'd rewrite it if I had it to rewrite (sigh!)

Your vapor brushes edges
my prism scatters time (oh this line!)
presumptuous circles
'round this sultry
sleight of hand.

Your song
a silent symphony
too raw to mend my tears
as it wedges through my essence;
floats half hung with muffled jeers.

Aphrodisiac of
redolence
mid ache of pointed pleasure
your release -

implicit servitude;
a wealth of weight and measure.
On the edge,
a new adventure -
adrenaline courses my veins

and paints soft coats of colors
'cross your girth of gilded chains.
Tooled and punctured
leather bindings
gently link mortal disguise

enlightened by hope

seals forged
with bask and rise,
savored time to blend as one
a ritual endeavor
in the cunning dreams of
"yet to be"

forever our bind.

(some thoughts for your capture or release)

Hmmm. I think not.

I like the spacing in the original for its intended impact and the meter, as it is now, is right where it should be. Removing and changing words alters that and that is not what I want. But I thank you for your thoughts.

Glad you enjoyed. ~Pamela

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author comment

Ok.

And I did.

~A

Oddly, considering the effluence of raves this poem engendered, I don't much care for it. I would be the last person to tell a poet to "write down" that his audience may understand (take my vocabulary use in the big poem), but to grasp this one took a lot of work on my side. I'm not too bright, so for God's sake (and mine) don't change how you write because a poem went over my head.
Kailashana was ever so right though when pointing out the excellent use of rhyme throughout and I also agree with the author (trying to get back in your good graces) concerning the opening. The two lines worked marvelously. I simply didn't like "the feel" of the poem. Be assured I detest telling someone that without being able to offer something concrete as to why (especially since I seem able to produce so many good reasons explaining why I liked something).
And because I was long ago gifted with the name (not affectionately) Grammar Cop I must say I think you're using "redolent" incorrectly. It is a supportive adjective and is commonly used to describe something being "redolent" of something. You are using it in reverse. Perhaps you intended that for some reason I can't discern?
You are still my favorite new poet.
Forgive me.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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This demonstrates to me what happens when I read a poem again. It was still tough for me (that dumb as a rock thing I suffer from), but...it's a wedding ceremony isn't it? Maybe not, but that's what hit me across the head when I read it this time.
Just biding time until I hear from you. Sort of forlornly twiddling through your poetry.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

much has already been said about this poem which takes twists and turns like a meandering river..you have an innovative style of writing and expressing deviating from the structured form..it was refreshing to read and perceive the essence of it..thank you for sharing...

my favorite amongst many favorite lines in this write are:-

Your song

a silent symphony
too raw to mend my tears
as it wedges through my essence;

floats half hung with muffled jeers.

raj (sublime_ocean)

this poem could not permeate my being, tonight.

I can acknowledge the word-crafting, but somehow the conclusions left me suspicious.

This is very telling about feedback. I can often make my critical feedback make it seem that the poem is flawed, I have the knowledge and verbal skills. Maybe I wasn not in the mood for it.

Whatever, the important issue is that feedback is not always true, even if honest.

I trust many of the people who have given you feedback so can only see it as my failure. Yet there migth be something in it. Look for it.
cheers
Jess

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
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If I may say, and I may be wrong, this piece seems to be a kind of conflicted love poem, it ends wit the quite pleasing note but throughout it speaks of stifling emotions. paraphrase badly we are bound together but that is my wish. Love is conflicted and so it should be reflected in poetry. Because sometimes you hate the one you love. If I had to offer any criticism for this fine poem, perhaps go through it again and try to bind it topogether a little more. Otherwise it may seem too bitty at times, like you have attempted to bind together more than one poem. I hope that is clear. I admire your poetry and glad I found this piece. I don't often comment that often these days. Thats my oppinion any way.

John

Sorry it printed my comment twice.

John

Long time. I'm on my phone, so I can't say what I want to without driving myself mad. Read this again and it found me.. yes, a vapor can brush an edge (science says so as well as art). CC didn't like the first lines. I do. Someone told me once that to succeed an opening line (or lines) must be able to be "jumped up and down on".
Love you and miss you. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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