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If only I could
Bluebirds sing
A melodious wakeup call
A familiar scent in the room
Your presence
Freshly brewed tea
The warmth of the sun
Freshness of spring
The beauty of our garden
If I could see it all
Satiate my void
Perhaps
I would be happier.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words:
I will reconsider it and come up with a revised version soon. Meanwhile, more suggestions and comments are welcome.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2011-06-13 06:12
Sam
This verse did it for me, it made me think of my Jonette, thanks for that.
"The chirping of bluebirds
A melodious wakeup call
A familiar scent in the room
Your presence."
Eddie
PS there are a few things, but I will leave it alone per your choice of critique
....
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Samaira
Mon, 2011-06-13 06:18
Eddie
I am glad you liked it.
But please don't refrain yourself from giving me your suggestions. I need them!
:-)
Cheers
Sam.
Keep smiling, keep shining.
author commentSamaira
Mon, 2011-06-13 17:28
Chrys
thank you for your encouraging words, but please feel free to tell me your opinion on the changes you might want to see or any suggestions to make it better. I need the assistance of more experienced writers in order to improve. At the end, it will be my view but it is always good to know the slack points.
Thanks and regards
Sam.
Keep smiling, keep shining.
author commentKailashana2
Mon, 2011-06-13 17:52
This really is simply lovely.
This really is simply lovely.
Please consider *bluebirds chirp* for the opening line.
and
If I could see it all
Satiate my void
Perhaps
I would be happier.
(I think it's stronger without the last line which doesn't need to be repeated)
Isn't a garden a place of wonders? It is true, one can never see it all, it keeps changing even
hour to hour.
~A
Eduardo Cruz
Tue, 2011-06-14 00:29
Sam
Well since you ask;
--------------------------------
bluebirds sing
A melodious wakeup call
A familiar scent in the room
Your presence.
Your smiling face
The warmth of the sun
The freshness of spring
The beauty of your garden.
If I could see it all
On the mornings
Of my everyday
I would be content
this is my take on it.
your bud
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Samaira
Tue, 2011-06-14 11:31
Thanks everyone for your suggestions.
I will edit it and re-post very soon. It is so satisfying to see the poem get better with a few changes.
Much love to all
Regards
Sam.
Keep smiling, keep shining.
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