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for you

for you, I'd go through one hundred thirty six realms of hell
my eyes burning with poems,
place the red leaf of it in your hands,

I would breathe into your mouth
your Venus on a half-shell,
newly emerged from your
vision of her solitary confinement....

her brilliant hair flowing around your ankles
the pleasure of your love
plucked from Aegean Seas
and etched into the pale blue brocade
of sky between your need
and your holy desire

her star falling
into your body

her light shining her smile,
safe now.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
for Theo
Editing stage: 


you create such interesting imagery within your work. there are too many to list but your phrasings are very original and encompassing.

on a critical note, i don't know if the line "from hell to hell" works the best. it seems to conjure up a strange image in my mind, though that could just be me! my mind works in strange ways this early in the morning! lol but i wonder if it would work as just "for you, I'd go to hell??"

in the last four lines, i didn't like the repetition of "her" three times within three lines and i caught myself stumbling because of it in the ending. i think you could edit and tighten that area. i wonder if "star" should be "stars" as it just seems to strike me as odd being a singular star.

i adore the metaphor you've created here. there is a softness and subtlety that wraps around the reader line to line as this piece progresses. i think this is a lovely piece. wonderfully penned. :)


"I am the lonely soul of a waterfall."

Hi Lori,

In Buddhism there are many hells. ;-)

I recently saw Stardust again (if you haven't seen it, do rent it!) and crucial to the story is an actual star falling to earth and hurting her ankle. (As you can see I take my imagery from many places.)

So that's the origin of star, singular. I wasn't sure about the ending with the 3 her's but left it as such because the trinity attributed to Goddess: truth, love and beauty is as important as the male concept of God as creator, preserver and destroyer (Hindu)

If you have any ideas about revising the end to incorporate that idea, do share, K?


author comment

I have to agree with Lori on the 'hell to hell' line, the Buddhist religion does have many hells so perhaps in a way if you mention the difference rather than state hell to hell it may work to be more clear, the body of the poem is original, and maybe the ending should draw back to the enlightenment of the soul within that religion?

"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Thanks U2, I kinda a like spelling it out.



author comment

I liked the imagery it was very interesting. For example the brilliant hair flowing around the ankles and pleasure of your love. Gives your poem a unique touch

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

An interesting declaration of love. Why did you change from first person to second person though?..........stan

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