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declaration of love

Submitted by faithmairee on Thu, 2011-06-09 21:23

oh little trembling bee
i am finely tuned in
(to your wavelength)
and turned on by
your swaying body

thus i announce my desire
little bee my heart racing
at your name's mention
pale faced and weak in the
knees (when you're near)

i love your sweet glances
with all the chances
we are taking while trying
to disguise our inclination
toward one another

oh my little honey bee
you seem to stare so curiously
you're my soul's happiness
and it's torment supreme
oh little trembling bee-
hover over me

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Candlewitch

Fri, 2011-06-10 12:05

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I like your title but think it would be better to just call it "Declaration." but that is a personal choice and completely up to you. I don't see the need for the (parenthesis)

a sweet little poem and fun to read!

I like these lines:

i love your sweet glances
with all the chances
we are taking while trying
to disguise our inclination
toward one another

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

faithmairee

Fri, 2011-06-10 12:09

faithmairee's picture

Thanks for your comments, Cat. Talk about timing. I just commented on your poem as well.

Faith

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2011-06-10 12:28

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and dislike at the same time, is the characterisation of the beloved as a bee, rather than a knight on white charger or princess in a tower. It would be nice to have a human partner.

The ending is powerful and significant. Weak and strong.

Not sure how to characterise this, but it is good freeform poetry.

I agree with Cat about the title.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

faithmairee

Fri, 2011-06-10 12:33

faithmairee's picture

Thank you for taking the time to stop by and to respond to my poem. I appreciate it.

Faith

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2011-06-10 12:57

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i am finely tuned in
(to your wavelength)
and turned on by
your swaying body

is superb poetry. Anthropomorphises beyond imagination.
The weakness, to me, is the last line
hover over me

I am sure you mean more.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

faithmairee

Fri, 2011-06-10 13:02

faithmairee's picture

I'm glad you were more specific. It helps. The hover part was to leave something to the imagination. I think something stronger would have weakened it instead. Thanks for your comments though.

Faith

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2011-06-10 13:21

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please reconsider this one.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

faithmairee

Fri, 2011-06-10 13:29

faithmairee's picture

I like my title, Jess. I don't understand the problem you have with it. That's all I have to say about it.

Faith

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2011-06-10 13:48

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remember cat also had a problem with it.

I don't think it reflects the real values of the poem, and it weakens it by a renunciation of self.

That worker bee is a slave, biologicly speaking.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Kailashana2

Fri, 2011-06-10 14:12

Hi Faithmairee,

You appreciate moderate criticism, so I'll moderate myself.

This poem could have gone places that would make it remarkable. unfortunately, the first stanza
gave an indication that wasn't seen through...

Also rather than a hc* title, you could use part of the first..or the last line.

Last stanza, line 4.. *it's* is misused. It's is a contraction for it is. its is correct.

~A

*hc : hallmark card

faithmairee

Fri, 2011-06-10 14:21

faithmairee's picture

Nice of you to respond to my poem.

Faith

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

author comment

Kailashana2

Fri, 2011-06-10 14:34

*I feel your stinger in me* would leave even more to the imagination, I think.

Just tryin' to help.

~A

raj

Fri, 2011-06-10 15:38

welcome back to Neopoet..good to see you again..

i liked the way you have related to the Bee in this write...

much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

faithmairee

Fri, 2011-06-10 23:55

faithmairee's picture

Thank you so much. It's great to be back and wonderful to find you are still here. Thank you for your lovely comments.

Love,

Faith

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

author comment

scribbler

Fri, 2011-06-10 22:29

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Love as a bee.....able to deliver both sweetness and pain. Enjoyed this and your return.........stan

faithmairee

Fri, 2011-06-10 23:57

faithmairee's picture

Thank you for your wonderful remarks. I'm happy to be back and to find you are still here also. I've always enjoyed your poems.

Love,

Faith

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

author comment

faithmairee

Fri, 2011-06-17 18:05

faithmairee's picture

Thank you so much, Rosi. I missed you as well and II'm honored by your wonderful remarks.

Love,

Faith

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

author comment

Nichole

Wed, 2011-11-02 22:45

Nichole's picture

WOWEE!!! I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!! You don't need to change a thing i don't think.
This so much describes the way my fiance and i were when we fist got together, those little glances he gave. I like this write a lot it was a pleasure reading!!! :-)

Nichole

faithmairee

Thu, 2011-11-03 11:32

faithmairee's picture

Thank you so much for your wonderful remarks, Nichole. You made my day and it's barely just begun.

Faith

There must be a poem in here somewhere.

author comment

Nichole

Fri, 2011-11-04 00:08

Nichole's picture

Oh that's good, I'm always happy to make someones day!!!! :D i hope it was a WONDERFUL day!!!

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