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After
The Low Road home is mine to take
for in the bitter ending of my time
when I can no longer stand the grief
of cherished loved ones left behind
I will soar across the white-capped ocean
towards those islands rising green up from the sea
I will cross the rocky shorelines
thick with seaweed and sleek seals
and by the still and quiet waters of Loch Sunart
I will meet you, where sun kisses cloud
upon the summits of emerald mountains
and burnishes the red flame of your hair
we will walk together, once again,
and in my guilt at fleeing your death,
then leaving she who filled my life
and gave me sons I would have
made with you had you not gone from me
I will ask of you forgiveness
and standing by your side upon
the farthest western edge of Alba
looking back to those I love and wait for
I will ask of your smiling beauty
If in those decades without you
I lived enough for both of us
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMyfl66C4yc&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tl6hlq5vxv8&feature=related
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius)
Favorite Poets
John Donne, T.S. Eliot, Serendipity, Emily Dickenson, Kailashana, Charles Bukowski, Kabir, Rett, Dalton, W. B. Yeats, William Blake, Rainer Maria Rilke, and many other Neopoet poets; Neopoet has heavily influenced my poetry and my ability to write it well.
Comments
Race_9togo
Tue, 2011-06-07 17:33
Thanks Lonnie
Glad that you enjoyed this one!
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentRace_9togo
Tue, 2011-06-07 17:46
Hey Eph
Thanks man. haven't seen you in awhile.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentRace_9togo
Tue, 2011-06-07 23:47
Rosina
Stop apologizing lol its a WORKSHOP. I edited according to your criticism, although I didn't take them all out.
Thanks Hun
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentRace_9togo
Wed, 2011-06-08 16:05
Thanks Kal
The Stanza in question is neccessary, but I see exactly what you mean, so I will try a re-write.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2011-06-08 11:07
Dear Jim,
I found these lines most effective:
we will walk together, once again,
and in my guilt at leaving you
then leaving she who filled my life
and gave me sons I would have made with you
had you not gone from me
I will ask of you forgiveness
and standing by your side upon
the farthest western edge of Alba
looking back to those I love and wait for
I will ask of your smiling beauty
If in those decades without you
I lived enough for both of us
I feel the deep longing and regret In these lines. Maybe there is someone like that in all of our lives. Someone who we just couldn't work it out with, so we had to move on. I know I will never forget...
A beautiful and poignant piece.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Race_9togo
Wed, 2011-06-08 16:06
Cat
Your comment revealed to me a failing in this poem, a failure in what I was trying to convey, so I will re-write a part.
Thanks.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2011-06-08 19:44
Hi Jim
Such hopeful regret. I enjoyed this journey, but have a few road patches that might smooth the way lol :
s-2,l-2 omit up (redundant with rising)
s-4,l-4 and 5 This is a bit unclear to me. Might try something like:
and gifted me sons
I would rather have made with you
had you not left
last line try : Did I live enough for both of us? or some variation to add impact....just a few thing you can consider ..........stan
Race_9togo
Tue, 2011-06-14 12:12
Hey Stan,
Geez man I'm sorry I missed your comments, I'll take them all under consideration, thanks for them, and for enjoying.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentDalton
Sun, 2011-06-12 18:57
Full of Celtic beauty
Full of Celtic beauty which you do so well brother. I admire your gift and wouldn't change a word. Sorry if thats no help. Good luck with all your creative endeavours
John
Race_9togo
Tue, 2011-06-14 12:14
John
Ah, thank you my friend, complement indeed.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentmagics02
Tue, 2011-08-09 10:39
Sigh
Leaves me to wonder how you are doing Jim
Love Mona
Race_9togo
Wed, 2011-08-10 14:11
:)
I'm OK. Not 100%, but OK.
Thanks Mona
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentKailashana2
Wed, 2011-08-10 14:32
Thank you for introducing me
Thank you for introducing me to the music. Just beautiful!
I notice you still are not 100%; I can tell your poem is not quite the free bird. The last line is a haunting one I carry in my heart........I've lost many in my life, quite a few very young, and I've always said I will live for *you*.
Be well Jim.
~A
Race_9togo
Wed, 2011-08-10 19:36
Thanks Anna
Thanks Anna
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentDalton
Wed, 2011-08-10 16:45
ThanX for the tunes
I hadn't noticed the song links you printed at the bottom of your poem. Thanks for that it reminds me of the first Caipercaillie song I ever heard "Coisich a Ruin" I must say I kind of lean towards early Clannad, well before they went electric. I lovely follow up to your poem brother. Be well John
Dalton
Wed, 2011-08-10 16:50
I think this is for lost love
I think this is for a lost love. One who maybe is sadly no longer with us. I beautiful eulogy for her. Also beautiful the descriptions of the west of Scotland. I wish I was there. If this is a true story I'm sorry for your loss. But also thankyou for a fine poem.
John
Race_9togo
Wed, 2011-08-10 19:38
Thanks John
It is about a lost love, my first.
Glad that you enjoyed it.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
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