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Time Bound

Tick - tock,
Sounds the dying hands,
Like bells that toll rife,
In ripened, chilly air,
And hands that stoop to fell
The seasons weary run.

Dust and dirt and minds,
And broken things reply
The token sounds:

Tock-tick-tock...

Again, again, in ceaseless
Strains chorused
From every waking yawn,
Till the lull of sleep approaches
Once again...

Decreed forever to make us dance,
Like foolish puppets,
Helpless brothers;
Hapless beings of chance,
Cousins of a controlled race.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Do not slay me, I am already dead.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Yeah.

I can tell by your poetry.

Welcome! Good stuff.

~A

Thanks for the comment. I really want to improve my work and help others do the same.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

I guess we are all slaves to time and its keeper.....................scribbler

Sadly, it's a truth we can't deny. But time is kind, and rewards our persistence. Thanks

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

English is supposed to be my second language. I hardly speak anything else. :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Welcome to Neopoet.

This is a good first poem. I like the theme, although time's relentless march is a theme that's very common. Your imagery is wonderful, I particularly like

"And hands that stoop to fell
The seasons weary run." ("seasons" should be "season's", perhaps?)

and

"Hapless beings of chance,
Cousins of a controlled race."

Good stuff, welcome to the nuthouse! lol

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

The typo escaped me. I'll correct it soon. Thanks for the helpful comment. :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Having read all your recent comments I am coming back to critique your poems.

You have a great ear for language, this is something that appeals to me immensely.
Unlike many here though I also critique content.

The last line bothers me. At the risk of hubris, may I suggest that this is not true. This is going to sound arrogant but may I suggest you read my poem on time?
"Time goes round in a straight line"
http://new.neopoet.com/node/2507

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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