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Piling up

Styrofoam china
stacked high above the rim;
last night's slaw
squeezing the air,

but I can't be bothered.

My hair is greasy
it'll shape any way but clean,
the shabby beard offers
an I'm drunk look,

I only shrug.

I need to feel something more than depraved
like the loose-bowel symptoms letting go relieves,

so I'm waiting

and that's where I live
over-used and de-mused;
just take me out.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

hopelessness; yes, one of my moments of madness

thanks for reading

author comment

On first reading I thought *but* was unnecessary. After subsequent readings, I'm not sure.

Another Richard poem, artfully engaging.

~A

If it engages you then I feel the poem is successful

thank you

author comment

poem! Richard this is excellent!

particularly liked:-

I need to feel something more than depraved
like the loose-boweled symptoms letting go will give,

Probably because I don't have any bowels!!! But that's another story!

Bravo!

Namaste,

Lenny

_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent

Wei Wu Wei

It is good to see you again, thank you for the read
and for liking the write.

No bowels, ouch !

author comment

Most of the time I too feel just right, like all is well or
as well as it should be ... but every once in a while,
there is this and that ehhh

thanks

author comment

Hi richard I like this but I still think you can tighten it in areas. Such as the loose-bowel lines which are original if somewhat disturbing in the images lol. I think all you need there is 'like loose-bowel symptoms letting go'
I think the other words in that line itself are superfluous.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Thanks for the read and the critique, I never did like the way
that line ended, but felt there was something needed at the same
time ... I'll try the word "relieves", but it's not written in stone, I'm
still able to type (lol)

thanks again

Richard

author comment

Richard, for me the line is relevant to the poem.

Otherwise some folks won't *get it*. lol.

~A

I think so too, or at least a form of it ...

thanks Anna

author comment

Thanks for stopping in and so glad you liked it
and offered suggestions for it. The comma's you've
suggested change the meaning somewhat, changing
the word "look" from a noun to an action verb, which
isn't what I want to portray ... it is an I'm-drunk-look that
is being described, perhaps the hyphens are needed there.

thanks and thank you for making me think about the punctuation,
it is always good to know why we've chosen a certain way to go and
the best way to know is to be asked or given alternatives ...

thanks again

Richard

author comment

I see you working on your free-verse and love the gritty direction you are headed but I think less tell and more show in this one will get the grime effect across without having to tell us what it is.

Not certain if "twinge" is the right word - maybe taint, pinch, pollutes. or even squeezes?

I liked
"over used and de-mused - just take me out." - it reeks of frustration - kind of like that 'slaw.

A bit more show and this can really work. Thank you for the opportunity to absorb your words. ~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

I always smile if you are around, I know there will be an
honest and thorough critique no matter who's poem you're
on. You wouldn't believe how many describing words that
"twinge" has been and not one of them was "squeeze" ...
which I loved. I rarely ever use an exact word that someone
suggests, but this time I'm just gonna steal it from you!

thank you for being here Pam

author comment

to the party, I just have to say that everyone has already said what I would have said, but I like that line; like the loose bowel symptoms letting go will give, it's the best that it will get. Gritty stuff, and on the edge. Great stuff! ~ Gee

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

Hey, I'm old and living on the edge of the seat (lol)

thanks man

author comment

I think we all feel used up sometimes, thanks
for commenting Lonnie, glad you liked it.

Richard

author comment
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