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From The Corner Of My Eye (rewrite)

From the corner of my eye,
Your love I feel so strong,
When I stare straight ahead,
I know that I am wrong.

From the corner of my eye,
Your kiss is soft and real,
When I stare straight ahead,
It's for someone else to feel.

From the corner of my eye,
Your heart belongs to me,
When I stare straight ahead,
That devotion is for her to see.

From the corner of my eye,
You whisper softly in my ear,
When I stare straight ahead,
It's just for her to hear.

From the corner of my eye,
You say that you will stay,
When I stare straight ahead,
You have already walked away..

I know I'll go insane,
Living from the corner of my eye,
But if i stare straight ahead,
I know that I will die.

.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I have rewritten this one several times, I keep going back to it because it is dear to me.
Editing stage: 

Comments

i see green eyes
as i always once saw
but green eyes
recognise me no more
from the corner of her eyes
she eyes
of that i'm
quite sure

loved

I don't know that I would categorize this as free verse. A relatively consistent meter and a sound rhyme structure. This is far closer to my preferred format than free verse. The repeating theme worked quite well and did not feel repetitious, although were the poem to continue on it would get old.
The line "That devotion is for her to see." bothered me a little with its length. Your line length elsewhere is so consistent that this one sort of stuck out. There's nothing wrong with the line itself, but simply its length in comparison to the rest of the poem.
The last line was a little too cliche for my tastes, but I don't know that I would change it were the poem mine. The finality was required with the direction you were going so I don't know how you would avoid it. All in all a very nice poem. I hope your others are this special. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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In my opinion the repeating of l-1 and l-3 is over done. You could consider condensing the verses in the center of the poem something like this :
From the corner of my eye
your heart belongs to me
you whisper softly in my ear
but while staring straight ahead
that devotion is for her to see
and whispers are for her to hear
some variation of this might still maintain what you wish to convey without repeating too much. Just an alternative you might consider in this very emotive poem..............stan

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