Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Rejection

Sounds of skin on silk

break the stillness

as she stirs in her sleep.

His chest heaves, hot and empty.

After their passion, before her sleep,

his pleas for a life together

were spilled before her

in torrents she denied,

in a deluge unabsorbed.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Well, I suppose one could look at this as a rejection but my feelings say - OK so what next? I wanted a bit more than a seed spilled moment.

If this is a metaphor for something else, I think it needs a more expansion. If this is simply the moment that it is, and the fleeting thoughts of a lover who did not accept - then -- eh. Why do we need to know?

There is potential here. Sex sells. But I think the poem needs more. More power and more meaning than what you have let us see here. Show us a bit more, rather than tell us what was.

Thank you for the opportunity to read your words. ~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

for a short poem category it obviously needs more. Thanks for the feedback.

vexations

author comment

I've been trying to figure this one out, Al....as if the poem is less than half the story. I, too, need more to *connect* with.

~A

for a life together. Thanks for your comments.

vexations

author comment

I like.

~A

a world of difference.
well done

~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

The title is very descriptive of the contents. The lament to end the emptiness is clear to me. He wants more than she is willing to give. And she wants the freedom of a sexual encounter without commitment. The poem works for me. I liked these lines:

His chest heaves, hot and empty.

After their passion, before her sleep,

his pleas for a life together

were spilled before her

in torrents she denied,

in a deluge unabsorbed.

I feel that just because a piece is short, doesn't mean that it isn't poignant and fulfilling.

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

some say poems should be condensed stories using word images. I tend to agree and that is what I was shooting for her.

vexations

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.