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In Despair

Down there
deep formed darkness
breathes intricate
with pain of
suffering existance

long distilled by fractal nightmares
under piss-stained bridges rising
over yawns of chasm buildings
once alive

now chained by grime
to decades poverty
and unmeasured nights hungered
by avarice misery unleashed
as hollow commerce

an age so long ago
the ice-caps linger
shuddered from their time
in empty realities
bright with anguish

Down there
where derelict dregs
form crusts of once humanity
viscerally wrenched
from innocence
now dark wet with sin

engorged in rise of orange dawn
trembled with the heat-stained rise
oozed thick with flames
and dripping wealth
of worn refinery,

hole blacknesses
fetid in the mouldering decay
eagerly await gaunt ruins
to suck toothless and uncaring
on cheap-drink teats
scarred onto bitter landscapes
none want but all endure

Up here
seen from orbit shells
wreckage exploration fills,
scab cities writhe tentacle edges
to smother new and thick
over lands once green,

smog-layered in hot rush of greed
as centers die under urban cancers
spread across old wilderness
stripped of all but squirm of humans
once humanity and once reasoned,
once caring,
always multitude
unceasing

Don't ask me; blame insomnia, Spock's Beard and Porcupine Tree:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNCSwtjSxrI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95QS3c_Tei4

http://www.spaceshots.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Cod...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

and they wonder why I go nuts occassionally.

Needs work. It doesn't run like a rave or flow like a poem. A few things in particular-

breathes intricate [intricately]

far suffering of living [far? better word needed]

over yawns of chasm buildings [over yawning chasms of buildings]

viscerally gut-wrenched [redundant- visceral means gut]

rise oozed thick with flames [oozing?]

none want but all endure [great line!]

I love a good despairing, apocalyptic piece but this I think needs to be either put to bed for a while and re-written with a more consciously prosodic approach or cut and mixed a la William S. Burroughs to make it even more surrealistic.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I made some changes based upon your comments and ideas, and I think it's better.
It was written in another sleepless night, lol.
Thanks for your help.

<<HUG>>

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

more lucid, more powerful

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Yeah, I needed a few hours shuteye before re-reading it and saying "oh shit" to myself.
I re-wrote the parts in question with your and Jayne-Chloe's comments in mind.
Sorry for not replying to your first post, I can only plead a busy busy day!
Thanks for your criticism, it was greatly needed.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

I think you tapped into my biggest nightmare and fears in this poem. Most of the time, humanity doesn't seem to have many redeeming qualities. We do often appear to be a blight on the face of the earth. Which makes me wonder why we were given intelligence since we don't use it when it comes to fouling our home. I'm sorry, I can't quote you my favorite lines as they all hit home ( like a hammer on stone.)

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I'm glad you enjoyed this one.
I try not to write too many pieces like this, for they depress me beyond measure, but this one just needed to ooze its nasty way onto the page, with the insomnia and seriously depressing music I was loading myself up with!

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Would read easier if stanzas were broken but I have no suggestion of where to do so. One line seemed a bit off. you might try : scabrous cities writhe tentacle edges : This is urban sprawl run rampant..............stan

I like your take on that one line, but it was important right there to keep the cadence as it is. So I left the first part, then used "writhed" instead of "crawled" - far more descriptive.
I think you're right about the stanzas too, so I'll give it a try.
Thanks man

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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