Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Love Loom, new title "A garden of love" (second revision) thanks Kal

If love was the wind
passing through the autumn trees,
the melody heard
would sound as a lovely hymn

Like the birth
of the morning sun,
warming us with its light,
or rain giving life too all the earth

Love is the fertile soil
that is in our hearts,
A place to plant a seed
cultivating it to grow true and loyal

You will have the rains of May
fall gently so you may drink
giving the strength
to make love live another day,

I will whisper sweet words
on the petals of your ears
which is only sung
by the heaven bound love birds

Our love will grow
like a rare beautiful flower
and into the world
our love will forever flow.

Editing stage: 

Comments

Here is just my crit or suggests as I got your message in the whole write and maybe just tripped me up a little here and there

If love is a passing wind ( If love is the passing winds) or wind
that blows through the trees, (blowing through the trees)
the songs it sings
would sound as lovely hymns (a sound of a lovely hymn)

Like the birth (Like a new birth)
of the morning sun
bringing light upon our world, (spreading light upon our world)
or rain that gives life to the earth ( or the rain that gives life to the earth)

Love is the fertile soil
that is in our hearts,
A place to plant a seed
growing true and loyal ( to grow so true and loyal)

You will have the rains of May
so as to drink (of the cool waters)
giving the strength
to start another day, ( to begin another day)

I will whisper sweet words
on the petals of your ears (in the petals of your ears)
which is only sung
by heavens love birds

Our love will bloom
and the best threads of us (for the best threads of us) threads is iffy to me at the moment..
we’ll weave on the wheel
of our love loom (of our loves loom) or maybe bloom

Olympic Pool Critique

Eddie

This is just my fast track and I believe it could use just a tad of shortening and some lard...lol
No in all seriousness I captured your heart and soul in this and it is a sweet poetic write. If none of my suggests do not work for you it is aokay.

Love
Ms Mona

I made some changes but I already send it to my Jonette and she loved it how it was, but i did make the changes anyway, which she will not see. she took it at face value that it was me again professing my love of her.
I did not want or ask for critique on this. if you notice I did not check any of the critique options.
But my sweet Mona I did anyway to please you.
I really just wanted to share my love with everyone. there are hundreds of poem I have written her over time which I have not posted and never will because it seems like i'm sharing something that is hers and mine only

much love to you sweetie,
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

I am sorry I did not see the editing part. Yikes I need to pay more attention here:) I love this and Jonette (what a lovely name) should be brimming in smiles of this professed love you have for her. I thank you for commenting back my friend. I have not forgotten you either on the other subject matter so I will be in touch. (readers, no it has nothing to do with Neopoet:)

Spirit of love
Mona

I read the editorial, when I'm not so busy, I'd like to discuss some points with you.

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

If love is a passing wind
that blows through the trees,
the songs it sings
would sound as lovely hymns
(I think this verse is fine. You can drop “that blows” in the second line as it is not needed for meaning.)

Like the birth
of the morning sun
bringing light upon our world,
or rain that gives life to the earth
(The verse is a fragment so I would suggest that you change the beginning to something along this line. “Love, like the birth/ of the morning sun/ brings light upon our world, (drop or rain that) and change to “and gives life to the earth."

Love is the fertile soil
that is in our hearts,
A place to plant a seed
growing true and loyal
(I think you can take that is out of the second sentence.)

You will have the rains of May
so as to drink
giving the strength
to start another day,
(Define “You” Who will have rains?)
Overall I think this work has good potential. Give it a revision but keep it simple and direct as I think is the message you want to convey with this poem.

vexations

I made changes under durrest, As i told Mona I appreciate what you guys have tried to do but I really did not want any critique because I have given this to my love Jonette, and it was a pleasure for me to hear the love in her voice as she read it over the phone. you see we have been apart for a few month because of her work and mine but the second of june I leave NY to fly back to her arms in Los Angelos.
again thank you for your affords.
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

I very much like the idea of this poem! Good title, too! I like the suggestions that have already been made, too. My suggestion is to either remove the partial punctuation or punctuate it fully. My favorite lines are:

Our love will bloom
and the best threads of us
we’ll weave on the wheel
of our love loom

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Truly I am thank full to you, for that is the stanza my Jonette loved the most., she cried when she read it and in turn it made me cry, simply because I am not there at the moment to take her in my arms and hold her tight so as to feel our hearts beat as one.

thank you again Cat,
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Now that's how it's done, an in depth critique. It was helpful and honest,
But I have to say this, as I said to the others I posted just to share what I feel for my lady Jonette.
If you look I did not ask for a critique.
But as we say in NYC, "it's all good"
Your critique made me think, it's just the way you made it clear and logical.
Thank you,
Respect to you!
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

I thank you!
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

This would be wonderful to make PERFECT, it just has tiny beauty problems.

If love was the wind

passing through the autumn trees,...do you need THE autumn trees?

the melody heard

would sound as a lovely hymn....could be without AS?

warming us with its light,

or rain giving life too all the earth...or life giving rain to all the earth.

Love is the fertile soil

that is in our hearts,................that lies in our hearts
A place to plant a seed

cultivating it to grow true and loyal....nurtured, true and loyal


You will have the rains of May

fall gently so you may drink........... the SO here trips me up or is banal.

giving the strength........................do you need THE... 

to make love live another day,.......only one more day?

I will whisper sweet words

on the petals of your ears...love the petals of your ears.

which is only sung

by the heaven bound love birds.....love birds! hm.

"Our love will grow

like a rare beautiful flower....................drop LIKE?

and into the world...............................out into the world?

our love will forever flow."..................our love will ever flow. OR is flowing odd for a petal.

Still weak perhaps but:-

Our love with grow
a rare beautiful flower
out into this world
send its perfumes forever

Now I haven't rhymed the last with the first line. I shall only leave these as suggested directions, its your poem Eddie and a lovely one, I liked it a lot.

Please forgive my playing with this too much, I was just thinking aloud.
Love to you love birds in your petalled bed. Ann :)

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

My beautiful Friend!

It seems if you read all my comments that I did not one to edited this at all, I just put this up to share what I feel for a beautiful woman in every aspect. I told everyone that no one read the bottom of the page where I did not check any of the critique options, but I did check the not currently editing option. yet everyone went ahead and critique the poem on how they felt it should read. Please do not be offened, but I wrote this for my lady and she loved it in its original write, that was all I cared about that she loved the way I continuely profess my love for her. Now because everyone did critique I made changes not wanting too. Jonette (my lady) will never see the edit, because she is happy with the one I gave her. So forgive me if all I wanted to do was share with you my friends how I feel inside for'Jonette. I have written thundreds of poems for her and they will never see the light of day. the only eyes that will find pleasure in them are hers.
I do thank you for taking the time out to read and comment.

much love to you my friend!
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Oh I would not have been so bold but I still think you have a super poem here, so do not truly feel so bad about it. I was only trying to help when I feel I could, at least with suggestions they don't have to be followed. Lovely that you can write lots of love poems to your love. Love to her too from Ann

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

I don't feel bad, I just do not want to offened anyone, again I thank you!

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Sigh. You have such a good heart Eddie.

What do you want to do with your poetry? What do you want it to say? Do you just want to write a poem and be done with it or do you want to rip out your guts, sweat bullets and pull the wings off inspiration?

Love is never a run-of-the-mill love poem, it needs your spark Eddie, give it up! Take one word and weave it into a fabric that is unlike any other.

~A

Your words have touch me deeply, I know what I want to do. maybe I am holding back.
or maybe I'll never go beyond this point. only time and motivation will tell.
thanks Anna, I am listening!
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

nice to see my "ace coon boonfrom the moon" welcome back stranger. I guess you have had life intrude again, like it happens to us all
thanks for stopping by,
"take your shoe off stay a while."

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

I didn’t see that you were not into revising this. I guess I get so used to seeing everyone wanting the raw truth, whatever that is. I’ll try to pay more attention to that from now on.

vexations

As we say in NYC, "It's all good"

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.