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To be human

To be human

I do it because it is there
And I love to be home and hosed

I take wrong risks
And want to be settled and married.

I have met my soul mate, often,
And loved deeply

I spread my memes,
Not my genes,

I give, love, lose and win

I live.

and I meditate on mortality
having lived extremely,
passionately and fully,
if I died tomorrow
it would piss me off
but it wouldn't kill me.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

glad it worked for someone. Frankly I expect it to be slammed in critique. Over-use of "I", introspective sentimentality.

But that's what I felt when I wrote it, it is honest to me.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Jess, is this poem open to workshop?

The only critique I offer is to end your poem with

I have met my soul mate, often,
And loved deeply

rather than repeat in the middle of the poem.

Also, maybe because there's an Aussie meaning I don't quite understand *hosed* for me has no value.

~A

mmm, I don't want to end with
I have met my soul mate, often,
And loved deeply
because that panders to artificial concepts of romantic love and life-fulfilment. Will lose the repetition, now you mention it.

"home and hosed" is an old saying, referring to horses being comfortably stabled after a long journey.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Hmmm. I thought I left a response. For me, love capitalized is Universal Love, that can and does include romantic love which is hardly ever artificially pandering except with Hallmark Card type poetry.

Thanks for the explanation of house & hosed, hadn't heard that before.

I too wrote on the same subject this morning, will post after the 24-hr rule. Would be interested in your take, Jess.

~A

How much of it is genetic is arguable but there are heart disease, cancer, alzheimers and mental disorders on both sides of my family.

My memes will do.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I will impregnate someone first chance I get.
It's on my to-do-list for tomorrow with find a lover.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Oh this is so neat Jess,
and I see no reason why "I" should not be used, who said it shouldn't and on what grounds, is it the proletariat that have coined the idea and abominate the sentimentality of the past poets of the Romantic period, I think possibly so, but as Joe says, was t? It all depends on HOW one does this, and if "I" is taboo, then all that I write is so too. Perhaps I hear you say YES, okay, touché, but I shall not discontinue for that. What I write is mine, and I decide what it shall be whatever way it is later judged.

But to return to this little piece, I like it from many points of view.
I like the ending as it is too.

Love Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

I was just afraid that "I" might have felt over-used rather than as effective repetition.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

proud of you.

But sincerely doubt Ann would consider carrying my demon spawn.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

:)

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Not sure about it.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I am such a person of whim, fancy and emotion, mercurial mind. Mostly like a darting hummingbird.

Today, we shall offer this for your perusal:

To be human

I do it because it is there I am
And I love to be home and hosed

I take wrong risks
And want to be settled and married.

I have met my soul mate, often,
And loved deeply

I spread my memes,
Not my genes,

I give, love, lose and win

I live.

and I meditate on mortality
having lived extremely,
passionately and fully,
if I died tomorrow
it would piss me off
but it wouldn't kill me.

See, all fixed. ;-) (It's as though you're channeling the Anna meme.) lol

~A

(the last stanza is kick arse!)

to put the changes suggested in [square brackets], the poem re-written makes it really hard to compare.

The line
"I did it because it was there " was a quote from Sir Edmund Hilary after climbing Mount Everest. So it stays.

thanks Anna, you are one of the best, just make it easier for me to see the changes you suggest.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

There were NO changes, in case you hadn't noticed.

lol.

~Ac

to see a re-writing without constantly clicking back to the original.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

If I make any changes I usually ** or (( )) them under the original lines.

~A

You enrolled but this comment was just another nice comment.

I am going to track you down, tie you up, make you read bad poems and comment on them!

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

The shark pool. you have not commented yet. We need to move on soon.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

To have lived fully is probably the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
Makes me want to dance on the moon tonight - or at least in the moonlight if the fancy strikes me.

"home and hosed"

?

wearing socks or taken advantage of?
Help me with a bit of clarification here - I have a feeling I am not quite getting your meaning.

All in all, this made me feel good. I wanted to say YES! I am going to live for me and make the most of it. A good way to begin the day. Thank you. ~Pamela

.

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

one of my favourite plays is "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" by Tom Stoppard.

There are a few references to that play in this poem, but some missing are
"We cross our bridges as we come to them and burn them behind us and all we have left is the memory of the smell of smoke and that once our eyes watered""

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I LOVED IT!! This is all YOU Jess. This is a calmer version of the one I met many years ago but still the essence of you remains. If I died tomorrow, it would piss me off, but it wouldn't kill me. There has to a publication somewhere that holds a yearly contests for new and upcoming quotes of the century, this has got my vote, lol!!!

I love you Jess - you're the man

Kim
(V)

Rottie
Pegasus was a genius,
living within a suit of difference.
He liked what he was,
nodded in respect and
simply flew . . . away.

By: K. Mulroney

" I am who I am, say what I say, do what I do. With no apology."

(fumbles with the envelope)
Kim!
thank you!

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

you are very welcome - straight from the soul right back at you. I love this. Just as authentic as it can get!

Rottie
Pegasus was a genius,
living within a suit of difference.
He liked what he was,
nodded in respect and
simply flew . . . away.

By: K. Mulroney

" I am who I am, say what I say, do what I do. With no apology."

I find this piece to be uniquely, YOU! A good read and insights into your Jess-ness! I particularly liked the lines:

and I meditate on mortality
having lived extremely,
passionately and fully,
if I died tomorrow
it would piss me off
but it wouldn't kill me.

but, I would remove (and) from the first line of :

and I meditate on mortality

also, what does the word "memes" mean?

always, Cat

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

What are your thoughts about the overuse of "I"?

A dear mentor (on another poetry site) once told me that, it's the poet's biggest trap... I have been reading your verses today, I stopped at this one because I deeply like the message and to ask my question as well.

Its over-use can take away from the accessibility and universality of a poem, making it introverted and selfish.

Judging by the critical response I got away with it in this piece. Possible because the themes are fairly universal.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

if I died tomorrow
it would piss me off
but it wouldn't kill me.

Great lines. You are showing your humaniy, buddy, and writing damn good poetry.

Joe

[grins]
ta Joe

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I have just seen now what Joe wrote so well above;
but I too had come back here and reread this poem,
its a great lark of a poem to me, has humour and despair,
all the human elements in good ration
and leaves one thinking INSIDE OUT,
the I gets lost and becomes the ME
as we somersault about in your thoughts.

That's what it did for me
Just Ann of the north.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

"leaves one thinking INSIDE OUT,"
ta Ann

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
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