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In The Meantime

here
hear
phantom photons
plunk and bounce
across a skull
made of space
and a small reflective buzz
looking for something to do

deciding to entitize
...to become something
a mouse, a snake,
or a poet
come what may

Ah! I think now
a grand Vermont maple
the sappiest, and proud of it
I've such a lovely shape to my leaves
and quite an appealing silhouette
yes
and common, I admit
and just who are these others?
so similar, yet, not me
my premis would suggest
all in one, one in all

as a tree, I can't digest such things
so for now
I'll create pure golden sap
(delicious to many other beings)
leaving the whys, wherefores, and hows
for when doing my being as Buddah
where I will know
and show
me all

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

A poem after my own heart, cheeky (entitize! well coined!) but deep.

Personally I think the lines
deciding to entitize
...to become something
would read better with a comma and without the ellipsis
deciding to entitize,
to become something
ellipses always strike me as a bit of a cheap trick.

premis [premise]

for when doing my being as Buddah [Buddha]
this line feels a bit awkward, yes it fits the conversational tone, but do you think it could be re-worded a little? In fact the nature of Buddha is in everything, perhaps the whole ending could use a little re-think.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I like the same aspects that you do. I agree, the end ,especially, needs touching up or a complete makeover. I wish that came easier to me ( I like easy, as a rule). I guess I should write it right the first time! I have noticed something different in my last few writes that I don't like. Not sure what it is yet...let me know if you can sniff it out... if you so choose to read any of them.

thanks for your uplifting comment...really appreciate it

Al

author comment

your opinion is valid, even if I disagreed, but I don't. The last several of my writes have the same problem. I like the language and images, even the ideas...but the clarity and intent are not as visible as I, and some readers, would like them to be. I am not too concerned, all my works are pretty much an experiment in words, and style. some approches work, some don't. I'll work through these types of poems, gleaning as much as I can of what works, and why, then syntesize this knowlege into bigger and better stuff in the future....that is the plan!

thanks for stopping by

Al

author comment

Olympic Workshop Critique

Hello Brittle Light how are you.

On this write if I may add some raw truth to it at your request.

I have to honestly say this is a bit scattered for me. I had to read it several times to try and get the flow of meaning in it. It starts as something about the skull and then veres to a Maple Tree or leaf. It then disconnects as it goes further and speaks of the tree. This is a hard one for me to decipher and give a good critique and no offense is given here.

It appears your write may be one that states you are not a snake or a mouse but more so as metaphorically speaking you resemble yourself as a Vermont Maple. (am I digressing here yet)

I think if you use a better way of format perhaps for I think I get it but I am also unsure.
It is a poem about self I can figure that much but I am lost in words and may have to come back to read again as it's clarity is not speaking to me just right.

Missed reading you friend
Magics

It uses the photons racing through space to excite our neurons. It is fun and it is deep.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I am thinking this poem is about being between lives, waiting to become whatever life form comes next. I thought Karma decides for us, what we will become, according to what we have learned in the present life. And of course what we need to learn. Please let me know if I am off base, here.

I like these lines:

deciding to entitize
...to become something
a mouse, a snake,
or a poet
come what may

I hope that in this life, I have learned my lessons well enough not to repeat my mistakes. I like this poem because it made me think and reach for understanding.

Other than what has been said, I have nothing to suggest, only appreciation for the work.

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

It's clear as the earth & rain (mud) from which grow little green apples that turn into Buddha's enigmatic smile. His belly of course is another matter. ;-)

~A

Your stuff is good, All... too much useless information is well unBuddha like.

(sp. Buddha)

I really enjoy this. Deliberately dropping into an alien perspective is always a great excercise, and I love the way you do it here.

In the first stanza, "Here, hear", I would reverse these two words, to make the meaning "hear me at this place and time"
I would drop the "Ah!" in the third stanza, it isn't neccessary, to me,
and "me all" at the end sounds like an english peasant, lol, not a New-englander or Mid-westerner (which I assume is the voice here, forgive me if I am wrong) thinking deep thoughts about other perspectives.
Really good Al, short and sweet, but vivid and personal. At the end I got the sense of the author realizing that the maple's main task defines its existance, and that merely being in the now is enough for it, and every living thing.
Most excellent.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

while this poem is being "processed" through the olympic pool workshop, I think it appropriate not to reply to comments and critiques, or edit, until the pool is drained. Is this the correct protocol? I'm only assuming it is.

thank you all

remember: (raw) truth is beauty, and beauty (raw) truth

Al

author comment

we are posting the poems on the Shark Pool page, to avoid this dilemma.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

To avoid confusion, yes, this poem is being critiqued by the Olympic pool.

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

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