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white swan

california offers
no excuses
vanilla scents and
tastes
as if experience
is a first time
i sample it with
no expectations
a surprising occurrence

the entertaining flavor
will have no lasting effect
the sweetest fruit
never do

yet life gains another moment
to savor when days
wait

how sad it becomes
a time line for death
while courage lingers
almost as a ballerina

on nervous toes

another swan dies
in a land of indecision

Style / type: 
Free verse
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I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Last few words: 
the metaphor is about a friends meth amphet addiction he has now beaten but sadly some of his friends have not
Editing stage: 

Comments

Yeah he's a good guy and looks healthy now so it's a good thing, I am glad he hasn't fallen back into the bad habits

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

I can see where you are going and longer, more explicative lines would help carry the narrative.

A good write, and apart from a stronger sense of narratives, no suggestions.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
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Yeah I guess this came so quickly out of a conversation and with me being preoccupied being on vacation most of this stuff is written quickly, I will get back to these and fiddle

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

'while courage lingers
almost as a ballerina
... on nervous toes
...another swan dies
in a land of indecision'

however i found it difficult to follow at first
mind you, multiple reads only led to greater appreciation :)

i know that punctuation in this style is not mandatory
but i wonder if it wouldn't help this write?

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Punctuation is not my forte, I'd rather work on the line breaks to give the flow, it's contemporary narrative freeverse and yeah well a grammar and punctuation genius I am not but thanks

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

Powerful also as I know also too well the addiction of this drug and how it is affecting so many young and old alike. I have someone in my own family my nephew who is battling this addiction as I speak. It is a horrible drug and hard to get off of it when you start it. I get the essence of this write and you put me into your mind as you state so in your words.

Good job sis

Love Mona

What a brilliantly conceived write! Your metaphor is well received, here. I can completely relate, as I was addicted to meth myself from age 18 to 25. (from fourteen to 18 it was diet pills that I stole from my mother)I was also dealing to support my habit. One day I wasn't careful and broke one of my own rules and got caught. I took a good look at myself and decided I didn't want to die like that. So, I set my mind to kick it, and I did. One of the toughest things I have ever done!

favorite lines are:

how sad it becomes
a time line for death
while courage lingers
almost as a ballerina

on nervous toes

another swan dies
in a land of indecision

always, Cat

p.s.

I'm so glad I read this!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

I am so glad you beat that habit and so glad you could relate the metaphor to it as well. Thank you so much.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

still getting used to your style. i expect nobody would have known this was about meth addiction had you not explained so. I thought it about the hollowness of Hollywood life in general. But I AM kind of slow sometimes lol..........stan

Actually stan it would fit that as well, I've been helping my friend research her family tree and we've discovered her GGrandfather was in Hollywood trying to be an actor back in 1926 and perhaps the feel of it has conveyed that as well as the guy this is actually about who is a Californian as well.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment
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