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Skirt so yellow and bright

Skirt so yellow and bright
Eyes blue and wide,
with lips pursed right.
“Where is your joy,” she sighed?

Cotton showing years of wear
still flows yellow, and bright.
Her lean body craves to share
him hard and yielding tonight.

After she threw the bridal wreath
their joy spilled like carpenter’s glue.
No longer did they sample from beneath
yellow skirt and sweater taut and blue.

Her scent is a flower named dangerous,
and he struggles, pulls away; all the while
wanting his graying head to rest
upon her breast and relish the joy in her smile.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 


!st thing 1st, are you also from South Carolina? lol...On to poem. I have known many women who for unknown reasons turned bitter after marriage. You described the angst felt by both partners well here. A few alternative for consideration:
l-3 try tight instead of right
l-4 change your to my
l-6 change bright to glowing(to avoid repeat)
l-8 with him hard tonight and growing( to maintain rhyme)
Lost rhyme of every other line in last stanza, Maybe 1st line :her scent a flower deemed second best

I'm sure you can do better than I in polishing this one which is already good.............stan

I totally agree with Stan.
I see a hidden battle underneath this write that it seems your holding back, I might be wrong. I think that this came in to your head a freefrom and you tried to change it to western Classic. I say write it as it came into your head then read it aloud,. I think you will find that maybe it will need less editing. that's just my opinion.
Let it come screaming out of you!

Eddie C.


Amazing, I did try to rewrite this in rhyme! Needs more work so back to the drawing board. Thanks for the comments. Oh Scribbler, I still like “right” better than “tight” as in “just right” Like I said.... gotta get back to it.


author comment

Only the author knows the exact thing he intends to convey. All others a casting more or less blindly in trying to help lol. Might I suggest writing it in both rhyme and free verse? Having the two side by side will help you see the flaws in each and act as catalyzers to each other.I do this sometimes when trying to decide which form best suits a poem................stan

that you do that here at times. Good idea, especially if one puts it away for a while.


author comment

Every once in a while I set out on purpose to do this as encouragement to others to try something new. I mean, if even I can write outside comfort zone,anybody can.....................stan

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