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Selachian (eddy styx)

Selachian

for too long now
have I lived with the
bitter wound eternally festering
carcinoma in the cockles
of your heart
blind with an unrelenting
Judas Complex
Serrated edges of promises broken
shattered in the jaws
of your decayed lying
sharp-as-splinters teeth
you've taken your bites out of me
your love has changed me
transposed me predisposed me
that's my beating heart
lying on the tiles of the kitchen floor
yet you smile as lie upon lie
clings to your enticing lips
breathlessly I kiss the deceit
from that cool cherry-ripe mouth
greedily gobbling
your toxic candied kisses
while you scoop out my spleen!

*selachian
se•la•chi•an [sə láykee ən] noun
marine fish: a fish that belongs to the order that includes all sharks, rays, and skates. Order: Selachii

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Another piece to be included in the "Book Of Styx II". All help is appreciated. eddy styx is my male alter ego.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Another great write from "Eddie" ETERNAL FESTERING ON A SEPARATE LINE WOULD DO THIS JUSTICE? Also I think when it comes to the "teeth" there are too many adjectives thrown in there,just my humble opinion :)

I will have to give your advice some thought. Before I make changes I will wait and see what others have to say on those points. Thank you so much for commenting.

always, eddy (& cat)

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

It does get a little crowded in my head at times, lol, but the bed is all mine! Thanks for commenting.

always, eddy (& cat)

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

You got it. Unfortunately, I've known too many people that fit this poem. But with knowing comes the talent of early recognition. I can now spot one of them at five hundred paces! LOL! Glad you liked it and the title.

love, eddy (& cat)

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

just when I thought I had seen your best you come here with this
I just want to read it over and over and I as yet would not change
a line, with lines like this "blind with an unrelenting
Judas Complex
Serrated edges of promises broken
shattered in the jaws
of your decayed lying
sharp-as-splinters teeth" what lines ,,,,,,,,,
I love the link with the judas complex
and the serrated edges ,,,,,,,,,,,,,
and these lines "yet you smile as lie upon lie
clings to your enticing lips
breathlessly I kiss the deceit
from that cool cherry-ripe mouth
greedily gobbling
your toxic candied kisses
while you scoop out my spleen!,,great ending in my humble opinion one of (eddy styx) best ,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

You have picked out my favorite lines! Thanks for reading and telling me what you like. I very much appreciate it.

always, eddy (& cat)

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

Cat you are so talented, a fantastic use of words.

Much Love Always Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I humbly accept the compliment and that takes some doing with an overinflated ego such as mine, LOL! (cat's ego is the standard model)

always, eddy (& cat)

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

You may have read this one before, but I have reworked it since its first showing. It is going in the "Book of Styx II" So I want opinions on the polished version.

always, eddy (& cat)

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

nothing to crit...
favourite lines
'Serrated edges of promises broken
shattered in the jaws
of your decayed lying
sharp-as-splinters teeth'

love and hugs
judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

It is so great to hear from you!!! How are you doing?

always, eddy (& cat)

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment

Just brilliant, imagery is sooo powerful and gripping.

Brilliant

Love Mand xxxxxxxxxx

Wow! a better endorsement I couldn't find! Thanks for reading and commenting!

always, eddy (& cat)

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

author comment
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