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To Portsmouth and beyond

As the eastern sun rises
we’re on our way.
The dawn is slowly breaking,
waking up a new day.

We’re headed for the south coast
leaving Swansea,
motoring down the M4,
bags packed for the journey.

On the rolling grassy hills
lambs jump play,
sheep still in their overcoats
until the month of May.

A far distant mountain range
intrudes the sky,
peaking over valley plains
where buzzards hunt and fly.

Quaint old fashioned villages,
far off abodes.
Drivers staring straight ahead
along the asphalt roads.

Slated roofs and chimney pots
stone built churches,
modern city shops and towns
lined with silver birches.

Fairytale castles,
enchanting scenes.
Charming rainbow waterfalls
among the forest greens.

Across the river Severn,
brilliant blues
mingle on the English shores,
stunning visual views.

Fields and fields of oil seed rape,
sunburst yellow,
surrounded by pasture fields
where the black bulls bellow.

A windy waft of hawthorn
blows in a sneeze,
blustering through the window
a cool refreshing breeze.

Sweet chestnut and conker trees
gently sway,
bothered by the noisy rush
along the motorway.

When we arrive in Portsmouth
the city zooms.
Crowded streets and traffic jams
bustling urban fumes.

The Victory in dry dock
down by the quay,
and the mighty Warrior,
a ship of majesty.

Gun grey armoured battleships,
imposing hulls.
Washing pebbles on the beach
and scaring off the gulls.

As the sunsets in the west
over Wales,
we drive away from Portsmouth
toward the Yorkshire Dales.

Two retired old timers
travelling light,
cooking on a camping stove
underneath the starlight.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Kind of you to read and comment! I'll work on it!

Thank you my friend

Love Mand xxxxxxx

author comment

in this lovely poem you have taken us through this lovely journey of British Isles...some very striking verses create the imagery..give this write to a painter and his brush will move with your words to recreate the details i\on canvass....a pleasure read...

much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

You're always very kind - undeserved I think - but appreciated. Hopefully I will be able to improve on it!

Thanks Raj kind of you to read and comment.

Love Mand xxxxxx

author comment

there is always room for improvement...but believe me i really enjoyed reading it...

much love...

raj (sublime_ocean)

This is a road i have travelled, and you describe it perfectly in your poem. Regards Roscoe.

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Smiles! Thanks Roscoe. The sun has shined almost non-stop this month! Making the trip to Portsmouth was lovely - we traveled via Newbury. I had other verses to put in but thought it was long enough as it was! My husband is a Pompey Jack! Strangely the men from Swansea are also called Swansea Jacks.

Thanks for reading and commenting Roscoe - good to hear from you.

Love Mand xxxxxxx

author comment

Oh old England, the England of my childhood blooms as no other island in the spring. With the speed-impetus of your words the feeling of travelling was throughout this motion film so vivid that we can hear, see, feel and smell each vision, as they provoke our sense organs and give us the full picture, better than any TV square-framed programme could do, because it was three dimensional, all dimensional, we felt the distances
"Far distant mountain ranges
Intrude the sky"

"Slated roofs and chimney pots
Stone built churches"

Oh there's so much it is so rich Mand this poem. Even the bull, my mother and sister were cowards and went round the big field, admittedly my mother had been tossed by a bull once, but I walked quietly through, straight through, ignoring him and he ignored me too. You have precis'd(compacted) my memories into a bundle of loved sights, thank you mand for this journey, and with such excitement too. Great. Love to you and have a good holiday, Ann.

Will look more critically later perhaps I so enjoyed it I don't want to do any more just now.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Sooo good to see you, Britain is a beautiful Island - much of which I haven't visited. I'd love to visit Ireland, they say the Irish are really friendly, even friendlier than the Welsh. I have visited Ulapool ( in North Scotland )which has a charm of it's own. Glad you enjoyed the journey Ann - it was nice of you to accompany me.

Love and hugs

Mand xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

author comment

Mand I would like the journey to continue with several poems as you go, I wanted to see more of your travels after this one, where did it go on, could go round Britain? Love as aye Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Brilliant idea! maybe one day eh!

Glad to see you. My computer has been in for repairs ( caught a nasty virus ). I haven't even looked at my e.mails yet. Will soon.

I hope you are o.k and everything is well.

Thanks for reading and commenting, much appreciated.

Love Mand xxxxxxx

author comment

With a title like 'Hit the Road Jack,' I expected a fairly harsh theme, LOL !!

This poem has a very old world feel, which almost gives the reader the feelng that they are there.

love Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I wondered if anyone would say that! Lol Perhaps I should change it to "Traveling Light" or something, what do you think?

It takes about 3 or 4 hours to travel from Swansea to Portsmouth. ( depending on whose driving ). It's about a 200 mile one way trip, and there is a noticable temperature difference by the time we get to the Severn bridge.

Thanks for reading and commenting

Love Mand xxxxxx

author comment

Mand yes I think that might be a better title lol

Love Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

I'll change it! Thanks for coming back to let me know.

Love Mand xxxxxxx

author comment

mand excuse my typing it is hard to do now..i love this and soon as i get feeling back to fingers in left hand i will leave much better commentary. miss you lady friend and i hope all is well by you and the family

much love and thoughts to you
Mona

Good to hear from you! Sorry to hear about your fingers - I hope they are getting better. Yes my family seem to be o.k at the moment! and the sun is shining, so I can't ask for more. I hope your family are o.k to.

It's really good to see you and a big hug from me for making the effort to leave a comment.

Loads of Love

Mand xxxxxxxx

author comment

Undulating grassy hills
Lambs jump and play
Sheep still in their overcoats
Until the month of May.

Far distant mountain ranges
Intrude the sky
Peaking over valley plains
Were buzzards hunt and fly.

Thank you for this journey through the countryside. I could see it all in my minds eye. This piece rolls gently off the tongue. I'm a country dweller and love it.

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Good to hear from you. I hope you're o.k. There is nothing like living in the countryside is there! Most of Wales is countryside and mountains - there are parts I haven't been to yet! I hear that Aberystwyth, in mid Wales is really pretty.

I'm glad you enjoyed this little jaunt and I enjoyed your company.

Loads of love

Mand xxxxxx

author comment

Great to see you!! My husband was born and raised in Portsmouth - a Pompey man. Lol
Things are starting to get back to normal here so I'm hoping to be on site more often - I'll be looking out for your poems.

I'm glad you like the journey - probably should have stopped for coffee. Lol

I've visited the Victory and the Mary Rose too. Wouldn't it be strange if we were there at the same time.

Thanks for reading and commenting Shirl,

author comment

I was all set to start making suggestions on second lines of stanzas when it finally dawned on me you were using a form which apparently called for 4 syllables in each one lol. Very nice narrative on your journey.......stan

Really good to hear from you. Things have settled down at home, for now, so I hope to be on line more often to read other peoples poetry. It's strange but there are some poems that I've written that I'm really happy with but for some reason I really don't like this poem! it's to gangly and factual, but I put it up anyway because it was alot of hard work! So I'm really surprised anyone likes it!!

I'm glad you enjoyed the journey, I thought being in the navy Portsmouth might interest you!!

Thanks for coming by to read and comment Stan.

Love Mand xxxxxx

author comment

" Dandy Mandy". Ha ha ha, I like it!

author comment

Perhaps the second lines in each stanza are bothering you. If the restriction you are writing under only requires that all 2nd lines have Same number of syllables, you could try lengthening all 2nd lines to5-6 syllables. just a thought.................stan

That's a thought.. Thanks for taking the time to come back and suggest - I'll look into it.

Love Mand xxxxxx

author comment

I feel I've just had quite the adventure reading this, the flow seemed fine to me but I am no rhymer so will leave the mechanics to better poets than I for that. What I got was a great sense of journey and scene.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

I have seen you about on the site but I don't think I have read any of your work yet. I'll have to put that right.

I have travelled this road many times, visiting relatives. It is an awesome journey in the spring when everything is blooming and the sun is shining, I just had to write it down.

Thanks for reading and commenting Chez.

Loads of love

Mand xxxxxx

author comment

Hi Yenti, Well spotted, I can't believe I made that mistake!!! silly me. I'll change it.

Kind of you to point it out.

Thank you for taking the time to tell me.

Love Mand xxxxxxxxxx

author comment

Hi Yenti, Well spotted, I can't believe I made that mistake!!! silly me. I'll change it.

Kind of you to point it out.

Thank you for taking the time to tell me.

Love Mand xxxxxxxxxx

author comment

Helloo there! Glad you liked the journey. The British countriyside is amazingly beautiful, I've been to visit Scotland ( ULapool ). Scotland has a charm of it's own, the people are friendly and resilient. I haven't visited that many places in Britain, but I'd like to one day

Thanks for reading and commenting Rosina.

Love Mand xxxxxxxxx

author comment

for that journey you took me on
lovely descriptive...

a couple of very little things....
'waking up a new day.' -i'd lose the 'up'
'lambs jump play' - needs a comma...

i really like
'A windy waft of hawthorn
blows in a sneeze,'

beautiful rhythm and rhyme
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Really nice to hear from you..I hope your well. (I've got a smile all over my face). Glad you liked the journey - I'll put those things right, asap

Thanks for pointing those things out Judy, good to have you back!!

Love Mand xxxx

author comment
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