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SHAKING BED SPRINGS

During the month when leaves unfurl
and dogwoods bloom in purest white
come the storms with tails which curl
sweeping away all within their flight

I've had a brush with one before
and still recall to this late day
the silence then the freight train roar
when once a small one came my way

It had been a spring day of thunder
where ragged clouds filled southern sky
leaving my new bride and me to wonder
when the storms would finally pass us by

Early to bed, then fun, then sleep
while rain drummed the roof in steady beat
awakened by silence, no sound, no peep
a single dog bark like an entreat

Then came that sudden deep-throated roar
both awake and holding to each other
while our home shakes our bed across the floor
as lurches come one after another

Then gone..as quick as it came
and I hit the floor to kill the power
our home now sporting a twisted frame
outside I ran in fading shower

The ancient cedar once so high
twisted off, thrown to the ground
as if a great hand had passed by
tossing all within its path around

My new-built shop still in one piece
just moved fifty yards whence it once sat
the sky now clear and all's at peace
all to be said? "I guess that's that>"

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
On this day as tornadoes roar through our land, I recalled my lone encounter with a small one
Editing stage: 

Comments

This is so good the rhythm is great until stanza six, maybe try it this way:

The ancient cedar once so high
twisted off and thrown aside
as if a great hand had passed
Making it all look awry

I'm not that good at rhyming, so I'm sure you can do better.
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Thank you for spotting the rhythm snafu. This poem has an abab rhyme scheme so I can't use your suggestion but have changed that stanza with your suggestion in mind. Thanks for the visit and please keep ideas coming..........stan

author comment

a lovely snap shot of the happenings..a smooth flow with cadence..perhaps you may take a relook at the last stanza..

My new-built shop still in one piece
just moved fifty yards whence it once sat
the sky now clear and all's at peace
all to be said? "I guess that's that>"

i think "stood" would be a better choice instead of "sat"...but then you would also need to change the last line to maintain the rhyme..just a small suggestion...

i am sure your new bride then must have said "what a night"...hehehe...

raj (sublime_ocean)

you know most of my stuff remains works in progress. I am not quite happy with last stanza either. I appreciate your suggestion and will try to fit at least the spirit of it into the next edit. As to my new bride Susan, I don't think she expected her world to get "rocked" quite that way that night lol.............stan

author comment
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