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Dandelions

Childhood memories
drift by,
of what happened
as they dried.
I used to blow
white clouds
that danced across
the skies.
So close your
baby blues,
and make your
wishes come true.
I saved the
rest for you . . . .

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Written for Kailey and Carter, my grandchildren
Editing stage: 

Comments

How good it is to see a poem of your's again.
And this is good. I love the way you pull us into the present moment of blowing breath on the dandelion, and I can see you holding it up, I( can feel an indrawn breath...

I found myself pausing at the word "died", because it doesn't seem to fit, for me. Maybe "passed" instead, or "dimmed"? I just didn't see memories dying, or someone or something else passing away.

Also, I think "wish comes true" would be the right way to say it, perhaps, rather than "wish come true"?

More Janice, write more, this is good.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Food for thought I will work on it Jim~
Thanks for the suggestions

author comment

short and sweet like the title
its a good first draft with some good suggestions from jim
keep it up ,fav lines ,,,,,,,,,"I used to blow
white clouds
that danced across
the skies.,,chat soon ,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

Zigs, Thanks for reading, and your comment always appreciated!

author comment

persons who commented like what you have here and support their suggestions. I was thrown by “baby blues.” but no suggestions for an alternative. I like that your poem “shows” rather than merely tells. I think you could use more of that in a few other places. For example, instead of I used to blow, how about On my knees at play I used to blow.... That line, as has been noted is outstanding because it is so vivid. Cheers

vexations

vexations, Thank you for reading, and your input, appreciate it!

author comment

I am a fan of good short poems (maybe because mine are so long winded lol) and this is both. I have no suggestions not already given just admiration.................scribbler

scribbler, Glad that you like short ones, that is what I usually post. Thank you for reading and commenting!

author comment

there is such great peace in beautiful memories. you have painted a lovely picture. I agree with Jim on the touch-up's. I hope to see you around more offen It's nice to see friends who've been here from the start..
oxoxox

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Hey there buddy, glad you had time to read, looking forward to spending more time here!

author comment

We are with you and sense what you write here.
Lovely to see this and to hear that you are here again,
Love from Ann of Norway.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Ann, thank you for reading and commenting, hope to get to your poetry soon!

author comment

I could imagine actually saying this as I blew a Dandelion into the sky. It has a soft mellow quality to it.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Thanks Ian, for visiting my page and commenting, alsways appreciate feedback

author comment

It is so good to see you writing again! This is a delightful piece which brings back some happy childhood memories. I am glad to have read it, as it put a smile on my face.

I hope you are well and will keep on writing. I look forward to your next installment!

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Hey Cat, glad to see you again, always good to hear frrom you!

author comment

Rosina, Thank you I am glad it brought back memories for you! Appreciate the read and your comment. Am working on tuning this up a bit. Thanks again!

author comment

JC, Thanks for reading and your comment, much appreciated!!

author comment

I like the poem the way you wrote it, the comments I agree with are the fact that I can feel myself as a girl blowing the white, and saved some is so deep, I bet you don't pollute and saved not only this memory, but this tradition with your ancestors (be they grandchildren it will go on and on) A lovely poem.

Loved it no improvement suggested.... You got so much advice I no longer feel I can write or post

Hey Musical Prayers glad to see you again! I appreciate your comments XXOO

author comment

much has already been said before me...i will just say that i find this write very refreshing ...hence the title of Dandelions fits it perfectly...i am glad that i didn't miss this one...

raj (sublime_ocean)

raj, Thank you for your comment, always appreciated :)

author comment
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