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Haiku

Songbird cool in hands,
killed by sudden cold night, while
others sing at dawn.

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Will any of us sing tomorrow?
A good Haiku

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Some of us always will.
Thanks

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Crisp clear visuals in this, the death of one while the rest bring in the dawn as normal. Nice haiku

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Happened Monday. It was alive when I first found it, but it died next night. Old age, probably, and the cold snap.
Glad you liked this one.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Thanks Shirl

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Love this one Jim. An honest appraisal of life, death and the luck of the draw.

Thanks for sharing

Love Mand xxxxx

glad you enjoyed it!
I am always struck by the impersonal quality of life and death. We tend to personify death, make it evil because we fear it, but I find a strange sort of beauty in its relentlessness and inevitability.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

This poem has a cold and painful beauty. It illustrates how quickly life can change.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Yes, that's exactly how it strikes me too, painful but coldly beautiful in its relentlessness.
Glad that you enjoyed it!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

the fine sentiments that have been posted here. Powerful haiku Jim

vexations

for the compliment.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

"Painful but coldly beautiful in its relentlessness." Couldn't have said it better myself, so I didn't, lol.Great post Jim.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"

You did but you said you wouldn't but you did yet you said you-
LMAO
Thanks man, I appreciate it!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

So sad to rescue a little life form only to have it's spark depart despite our best efforts. Lovely haiku, by the way.

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Yeah, it's always a bummer to have a robin die like that.
But the good news is I have another 3 pairs all nesting under the eaves of my home. It's one of the great pleasures of summer...especially when the fledglings leave their nests, and we all run around to gather them up and put them in safe places around the garden, where family dog and mower can't hurt them!
Glad you enjoyed this one, Cat.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

In the midst of death life continues, exactly.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Darwin strikes again.......................stan

How true THAT is!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Dear Jim, this is so very much thoughtful and full of beauty.
Regards
Ayaz

Thank you my friend. That's just how it was, full of sadness at the bird's death, yet beautiful as the other birds all sang their songs.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Hi Jim, sad but gorgeous.

I would much prefer an inexact *575* to a rearranged one to suit it.

It's interesting to know how American 575 is so off the mark from the original Japanese which uses so few words, though syllables are counted, it's the difference between the two languages, I think and who interprets them. http://www.haikupoetshut.com/basho1.html

Songbird silent in hands
killed by sudden cold night
others sing at dawn

Not the proper 575 but does it sing for you?

~A

Thank you for your kind comment, it is good to have you back.
That's just how it was, a sad but georgeous moment, early in the morning, with a touch of fog lingering in the warm sun. it just struck me at that moment, how life and death are simply two ends of the same spectrum.
I know what you mean about american 575 versus japanese. In fact, japanese haiku often don't even have the 575 SYLLABLE count, its about the morae, the actual weight of each syllable, that makes the stress count or timing of each line 5 - 7 - 5. It's more subtle, and far less brutish than our english version.
I like your version, but the bird felt cool in my hands, which is why I included it. You're right, though, I could lose the "while", but I like the transition in timeline that "while" gives the piece.
Glad you enjoyed this, Anna.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

the alliteration with the 'c' and 'k' and 's' sounds really works well
i think (imho) you could use another syllable in the second line and forget the 'while'
and i think you will find that haiku doesn't use punctuation or capitals....

maybe something like
'songbird cool in hands
killed by quick creeping cold night
others sing at dawn'

and it's a great satori.... (doesn't need the 'while')

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

much has already been said by others before...i will just say that this is a lesson too about how a haiku should be...worthy of emulation by the likes of me...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Everything a haiku should be.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I wrote it one minute after my sons buried the robin in our woodland garden...after I wrote I had to go rebury the bird because they had not dug deep enough, but they were upset to the point that I didn't have the heart to tell them.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

this poem appeals to our most basic human instinct, LIVE OR DIE.

Named after one of my favorite godesses, She of beauty, Law, Justice and Sovereignity.
:)

Thank you for your enjoyment, it is my delight.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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