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mortar (revised)
(new)
Screaming at the darkness
folded, spindled and mutilated
cast upon jagged rocks and
crushed by waves
of indecision
gales of laughter laced with
scattered showers of sadness
and lashed by tongues
of derision,
that lies rotting
in fields of neglect
tempered in the cold
forged in searing heat
the brittle frost of loneliness
ripping at unprotected
eyes of despair
tornado like fury filled with
twisting, corkscrewed clouds
obscure my sight as
I await the boiling sun
to dry the tears and
make the heart hard
as brick
building something new
from the mud of sorrow,
the mortar of blood and sweat
that binds a lost soul
into a cohesive wall
of new-found hope
(old)
Crying in the darkness
folded, spindled and mutilated
cast upon the rocks and
crushed by waves
of conviction
blown upon by gales of laughter with
scattered showers of sadness
and stabbed by tongues
of indecision, only to lie
rotting in the fields
of neglect
tempered in the cold
after searing heat as
the brittle frost of loneliness
rips at unprotected
dripping eyes
tornado like fury,
twisting, corkscrewed clouds
obscuring my sight
waiting for the sun
to dry the ground and
make the heart hard
as brick
building something new
from the mud of sorrow
the mortar of blood and sweat
binding lost souls
into a cohesive wall
of hope
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Took the excellent critique and did some extensive revisions. I hope I now have a more cohesive poem.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Eduardo Cruz
Sun, 2011-04-17 21:30
Rett!!!
Hey you, "Savanah Beach" great to see you post this incredible pain,sorrow, and hope. your an old hand at this Cap. It is great to read you again. I know your crazy busy now, so it"s nice to see you pop in once in a while.
See you around Bud,
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Rett
Sun, 2011-04-17 21:50
Fast Eddie!
Thanks my friend. It is rough right now. Just finished it. Haven't bothered to edit it yet.
Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin
author commentEduardo Cruz
Sun, 2011-04-17 22:09
That the one to read the un-edited one
Eddie C.
PS. my best to you old friend,
Your still working behind the scenes here,right?
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Rett
Mon, 2011-04-18 19:53
My best to you also, Eddie
Yes, I am still working behind the scenes. It seems I have this place in my blood.
Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin
author commentCCfire
Sun, 2011-04-17 21:45
This has some great metaphors
This has some great metaphors in it, the sense of 'place' that it gives almost allows the reader to feel and hear and smell it. I feel some of the stanza's are more statement than flow, a little choppy but it might be me as I tend to write far more narrative than this. So it could be the way I am wanting to read this rather than the way it should be read. I love the part referring to the tornado, it's such a vivid description.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
Eduardo Cruz
Sun, 2011-04-17 21:49
Chez
He's from Texas So he really knows tornados
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
CCfire
Sun, 2011-04-17 21:53
So I see
I am off to the states in the week after Easter and heading hopefully to Houston so I have my fingers crossed I am not blown there lol..driving and sightseeing are preferable :P
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
Rett
Sun, 2011-04-17 21:52
Thanks CC
It is pretty rough right now. I usually polish them before posting, but pressed for time so it is a bit choppy. LOL, watch out for Fast Eddie Cruz though. He's almost as wild as a Texas Tornado.
Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin
author commentCCfire
Sun, 2011-04-17 21:54
chuckles
This Aussie can take care of herself trust me :P lol
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
Rett
Sun, 2011-04-17 22:16
Cool,
You are coming to Houston at the right time. It isn't very hot and humid yet. you wait another month or so and you'll be dripping wet everytime you step out because of the heat and humidity. My wife and I live about 50 miles from Houston the coast. About 15 minutes from the water.
Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2011-04-18 23:05
all the above.
some present participles might be an easy fix for the flow.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
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Rett
Tue, 2011-04-19 11:27
Thanks jess
Will work on it some more.
Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin
author commentRett
Wed, 2011-04-20 09:07
OOPS!
You are correct Lonnie. Thanks, I appreciate it!
Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin
author commentNordic cloud
Fri, 2011-04-22 15:00
"the brittle frost of loneliness"
"the brittle frost of loneliness...love this line but the follow up weaker?
nipping at unprotected
dripping eyes
So much about this is magnificent, strongly felt and emotive that I would like you to work more on this one Rett and make it into a masterpiece, there were just a few things that jarred for me. I will not suggest as your idea is good a simple one with powerful complexities within it, that makes for something grand and I think you could manage that.
My love to you at Easter Rett from Ann
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Rett
Fri, 2011-04-22 22:02
Thanks Ann
Did some extensive revisions and hopefully have arrived at a more palatable product. LOL
Respectfully,
Rett
"If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed. " Ben Franklin
author commentCCfire
Fri, 2011-04-22 22:08
I like
your revision, I am still wondering at the lack of yourself in the first half of the poem making it feel a little bare whereas you put yourself into the second half by using 'my' and 'I' and this makes it all the more personal but of course if your intention is to make the first half just visual then it works well.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche