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Under umbrella's shade in salty air
on ocean beach's fine ground sand
with love and cold drink near at hand
we've plenty of time we can share
as we talk and lounge without a care

We critique all who chance to pass
in bikinis and scant speedos
oil drenched with sun screened nose
matters not if lad or lass
we sip, then I refill your glass

The tide and waves come rolling in
while dolphins cavort out past the breakers
like svelte and graceful merry-makers
beneath the hovering gulls' din
the off shore breezes now begin

Behind us the boardwalk crowd
chatter as they pass by endlessly
while they look out to the sea
wearing tourist clothes so loud
so skimpy almost not allowed

Now hotel shadows reach the sea
urging swimmers and bathers begin
their daily migration back in
to search of food for they're hungry
for shrimp and flounder especially

An early moonrise comes in sight
heralding the evening dusk
I catch a whiff of perfumed musk
coming off you from my fight
a veiled hint of later on tonight?

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
every time I try a complex rhyme scheme I fear it may sound forced
Editing stage: 


and I see you have a new (well slightly new) style. You must be writing of South Beach in FL. High today was 68 at Wild Dunes. skimpy and loud give way to warm and ample.
concering "wearing tourist clothes, too loud
some so skimpy 'most not allowed” in verse

I suggest one change. I’d drop too loud and say so loud
drop some so and change to and.... would read..... wearing tourist clothes so loud/ and skimpy “most not allowed.
Worthy poem my good man.


Yes this non-couplet and non-ABAB style is new and not the easiest thing to get used to as one has to plan 3-4 lines ahead. I like your suggested changes and will use them in edit in a bit. thank you for the read and suggestions. PS beach is Myrtle Beach S.C...................stan

author comment

This was my last holiday 5 yrs. ago lol. Glad you enjoyed the recollection...............stan

author comment

I like the idea of the ABBAA rhyme scheme, it has a certain euphony.


Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.

I had read one of Frost's poems that had this scheme in part of it and decided to see if I could do it. Thanks for the time to red and comment..............scribbler

author comment
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