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Alternative Ending
.
mumbling
twitchy
noir weasel
on the lam
mean
broke
and broken
he cries
for the last time
baby doll pic
stuck
in hip pocket
rubber garter
on his arm
self awareness dies
slithering into
invisibility
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Eduardo Cruz
Thu, 2011-04-14 16:54
Al
It made me think of the forgotten,
I like these lines and their continuation. the haltiness of them works so well in displaying loneliness. I also seem to feel a certain sense of regret in this? Truly well done!
thanks for posting!
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
brittle light
Thu, 2011-04-14 18:57
Eddie
I thank you once again
your comments help me sort out my own thoughts
I think regret is part of this after recognizing just how "low life" (in his own words) he's become
but his character, already being what it is...takes his typical "easy way out" . Regretable, but almost understandable
I will try to comment more on yours' and others' work in the future. I do enjoy the feedback when someone comments on my work and feel it only right to reciprocate....no promises tho"
Al
author commentEduardo Cruz
Thu, 2011-04-14 21:15
Al
If we can help each other in our writing, we've done something worth while.
Isn't that why we are here at Neopoet?
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Race_9togo
Thu, 2011-04-14 21:24
Hi Al
Overdose City, to me. And he knows exactly what's going to happen on this last time, too, before the rubber garter. This is harsh, stark, and very, very good.
I was going to say the lines are too short...but they aren't; they give this a bleak immediacy and a stuttering flow that re-inforces the horror so well.
"slithering into invisibility"
This is so descriptive that it makes me shudder.
Most very well done.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
brittle light
Fri, 2011-04-15 11:01
Hey Jim
your take on this piece is exactly what I intended....that, itself is gratifying... thanks for stopping in
much appreciated
Al
author comment