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Creature of the Night

Oh creature of darkness, that’s what I’ve called you!
You thrive by sapping the spirit of innocent egos,
bringing down even once a mighty a soul.
You roam the city streets sniffing, listening, and searching
another victim to be found.
A sacrificial lamb for thy devilish offering
to quench the wantonness of thy nether desires.
The dark wishes of thy nether siblings and another life to wreck.

Oh creature of darkness, that’s what I’ve named you!
The world you seek to build is one of doom, gloom and damnation!
Unable to look beyond the confines of the competitor in thy self!
Unable to see beyond the confines of the superiority or maybe the vulnerability of thy being
but a fixation on a perpetual unfolding contest between predator and prey.
The forum where ye who is after the heart of the prince of darkness
Settles for nought but the hindmost – death and destruction!

Oh creature of darkness, that’s what you’ve proved to be
For even at high noon thy works are never to be seen.
For like a mule, like a desert you bring forth no fruits
And so you cannot be known.
How can it be otherwise
when deceit is the foundation of thy survival?
And so as you trod thy path of loneliness
doom, gloom, damnation destruction are what you leave in thy wake.

Oh ye creature of the night, oh ye creature of the night
remember the lesson and exhortations of our forefathers.
Remember the cries and warnings of our foremothers
as they pleaded to stay clear of the path of low deeds.
Like sucking the blood of the Nation, making the children cry
And destroying the buds of the newly emerging flowers.
Rather see the potential for love like the one that exist
between puss and dog when they get together!
Oh ye old creature !

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

It's an interesting write in prose. The creature feels more like a government to me.
there is just one little hitch for me.
these two lines:
"Rather see the potential for love like the that exist' - what is "the that"
'between puss and dog when they get together!" - this line needs a re-write it stumbles, especially being so close to the end
Welcome to neopoet "land of the freed Poets"
Eddie C.
'

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Hi Eduardo,

Thanks for pointing out the error. I think it was just a typo error and I have corrected it. As to the subject: I think it embraces this as well. As I was writing I was thinking of everything lowly. It don't matter where the low deed took place - the political, religious, cultural spheres right down to one-to-one relationships between friends and family. I feel honoured that you had your own personnel take.

author comment

That's the thing about poetry your sometimes not sure where the poet is going. You can only go by your own chain of thoughts, it good write you have done here. Keep write I can't wait to hear more dark verses
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

This piece is very gothic, Willy, I like where you are going with it, but are you really sure you want to go with the archaic "thy" and "ye"? Especially since you use it inconsistently, saying "you" everywhere else. My opinion is the poem would be more immediate and impactful without the archaisms.

Content-wise I think that if you were more specific about the evils and the exhortations the poem would be more solid and less of an, excuse me, but ephemeral moody rant. It has great potential, I'll be very interested to see what revisions you do.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Hi Weidelf, First time greeting to you. Happy to know that you found it impressive enough to say so. I agree with some of your criticisms and will act upon them soon. What I cannot promise is to be more specific. May be that will be the topic of another poem. Until such time Willy

author comment

whatever suggestions are offered here, the poem is your own. Be very careful to retain the integrity of your own vision.

It is only considered courteous to acknowledge suggestions, but you are under no obligation to accept any of them.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Hi, I like the dark tone of the poem, but I have to agree with Jess it would be better without 'thy,' and 'ye'. Also I think Stanza 1 line 6,would sound better if you didn't repeat the word sacrificial . I think that sacrificial lamb by itself or sacrificial offering would be enough as they mean a similar thing.

Otherwise I enjoyed the poem.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

have you heard the latin for your signature phrase? I love it.
"ne illegitemus carborundum"

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Hi lou,

First time greetings to you. I want to thank you for liking the poem. As for the "thy" and the "ye", don't you think they make the poem kind of biblical? It is not that "your" and "you" wouldn't work. It is just that I thought, if am to talk about dark and evil forces and wickedness, why not locate it in the bible. Besides,I think, these old English words add a certain humour and colour to the poem which does not diminish its seriousness, its darkness nor its anger. To the contrary, it first to build up and then bring down the creature ever more unceremoniously. Hence the reason why I will take Jess's advice and change the "you's" to "ye's".

What is more difficult to explain away and rectify is the double "sacrifice" in a sentence. It looks very sloppy! I think you have just made yourself into a bastard I think I will like.
remain a friend in poems,
Willy

author comment

Hi lou,

First time greetings to you. I want to thank you for liking the poem. As for the "thy" and the "ye", don't you think they make the poem kind of biblical? It is not that "your" and "you" wouldn't work. It is just that I thought, if am to talk about dark and evil forces and wickedness, why not locate it in the bible. Besides,I think, these old English words add a certain humour and colour to the poem which does not diminish its seriousness, its darkness nor its anger. To the contrary, it first to build up and then bring down the creature ever more unceremoniously. Hence the reason why I will take Jess's advice and change the "you's" to "ye's".

What is more difficult to explain away and rectify is the double "sacrifice" in a sentence. It looks very sloppy! I think you have just made yourself into a bastard I think I will like.
remain a friend in poems,
Willy

author comment

Hi Xena465,

Poetic greetings!!! Happy to know love it and am also happy to be back. As I told an earlier critic, having a double sacrifice in one sentence is very sloppy. I will consider your suggestion. In the mean time your stay safe as always.

Willy.

author comment

Hi Xena465,

Poetic greetings!!! Happy to know love it and am also happy to be back. As I told an earlier critic, having a double sacrifice in one sentence is very sloppy. I will consider your suggestion. In the mean time your stay safe as always.

Willy.

author comment

Welcome to neo poet! A darkly delicious poem! I see you have not yet had the chance to change over to all thee and thy, or the modern way, which ever one is your choice. If you need any help editing just ask. You can always pm me at anytime.

I think you might enjoy my eddy styx poems, eddy is my murderous male alter ego. his poems are indicated by his name next to the title of the poem. Keep on writing!

always, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

see the Edit tab above the title, just click on that.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

my maiden
its wonderful

loved

your comments were very much appreciated Loved.

Willy

author comment

u did mean are

loved

yes I did............well spotted
many thanks!
Always Willy

author comment

to hear more from you
regards

loved

you probably will loved..............................!

always Willy

author comment

everything I'm reading tonight has already made the rounds. I'm late.
First, I just got through telling "lowdownlady" that I don't much like free verse and now I have to eat my words and say I like this.
Next, I write in a slightly archaic fashion myself, so I LIKE all the "thee's" and "thou's". As far as I'm concerned all five hundred years of the English language is at my disposal. Jess and I disagree heartily on this subject and he usually throws bananas at me when I argue this side. It's your decision, just know that there are supporters on both sides of this fence.
Now, I agree with some of the comments that a bit more elucidation on just "who" the bad guy is would elevate this poem. However, I also recognize what you attempted here and support it. I've done it myself.
The language is superlative. The typo's can be a real problem. I make it a point never to allow ANYTHING to leave my personal control without it being EXACTLY what I want it to be. Proofread, proofread, proofread. If someone is going to ream me on my poetry I want it to be about what I wrote and not casual mistakes.
This is a sharp poem.
Do it again.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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so I can re-use them.

Fair enough that archaisms are a valid choice but I would still look at consistency in using them. Frankly I don't know archaic grammar so I don't know when they, thou or you etc are correct.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

... were used by Chaucer's time, but I agree that consistency in their use is critical. I tend not to use more than one "thee" or "thy" in a sentence unless it's a character that speaks only the archaisms. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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