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Cinderella Song

She slipped to trip

her slipper fell--

it found its light
a wishing well
of painted days
that dreamed of night;

[Cinderella's midnight flight.]

Time sped so fast
her eyes lost sheen
her focus dazed

became unclean

in dreams forgotten
one by one
as childhood lines

became undone.

Each finger filtered
two by four
and every day
they added more

to find her path
and pin her to
the place where

Mother

tied her shoe.

Was she the one
who missed the loop

who led her from
that friendly group
to stand in sand
behind the shed

where toes
lost shoes
and socks
instead;

instead of marching
up the hill

far from the ones
who said:

"be still"

her laces tied
her shoes on tight
where morning sang

and sun was bright?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I am pleased you enjoyed the lilt this work has to offer. And yes, the title is deliberately obvious for the darker write that this is.

I am wondering though, if that darker side is expressed enough - are readers "getting it" the first time around or is it just a bit too obscure.

Thoughts? ~Pamela

.. .

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I thought it ticklish if a mother would suggest that her 'Cinderella' glue here shoes on.
But then again, it makes you wonder how life's adventure is indeed brought about
by the dropping off of one's glass slipper and the feel and the tone of the poem does
appear to me to suggest that. I hope I read it right the second time around.

__________________________________________________
'Break, break break on thy cold grey stones, O Sea.'

Your second read is indeed the deeper side of the story - perhaps even a darker one as bits and pieces of this verse hint at things that may be a bit unseemly; perhaps even a bit inappropriate.

Thank you for hearing my words. ~Pamela

. .
.

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How delightful is this? I think children would love to have this read to them, the lilt and meter and flow is wonderful.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

OK. - I have absolutely missed it with this one. There is meant to be almost an inappropriate darkness to this piece. I need to work on it some. My ability to write dark poetry is sorely lacking. LOL - ~Pamela

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Lots of structural integrity almost hidden in the short and punchy lines. Nice to see your poetry again.

___________

Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.

Thank you for such a lovely comment. I am so glad to see you here too. With your expertise, let me ask you. This poem is supposed to be fairly dark, almost inappropriately dark.
Where have I missed the boat? Would love your feedback here.

Much respect always dear lady. ~Pamela

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author comment

Well, it isn't exactly all moonbeams! The Cinderella story always was dark, it's just that everybody seems to have forgotten the fact. Yes, there's a menace (glimpsed out of the corner of one's eye) to this poem. That's how I see it anyway. And that structure itself can be seen as being rather manic and obsessive.

___________

Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.

Maybe I am on target after all. I will leave this out here for a bit and see what transpires.
Thank you for taking a second look. Yes, the Cinderella story has always been dark as you said. *smile* Thank you. ~Pamela

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I don't know if the poem is too obscure, but I'm afraid I didn't "get" it. Without the comments I felt something was going on that wasn't quite right. I simply couldn't figure out what it was. On numerous occasions I have said that the first responsibility of the poet is clarity, but I say that knowing there are and should be exceptions. Much hides in a successful poem. The most artfully crafted of this sort I have read have left me with a very clear perspective at the end only to, later, come across a tid bit of information that suddenly turns the light on the poem. And then the reader cries- "What the hell?" I suppose you could say I need my little tid bit. Sex, molestation? Bad goings on behind the shed? I'm sorry Pamela, this eludes me.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Ahh, well you nailed those scenarios going on in this work - and it is written to leave the reader "off kilter"; feeling just a little "icky" inside and uneasy. Though it may have a tendency to do that, I tend to agree with you - it needs clarity. You can see that too by the comments.

Hence, the reason I posted here. Looking for ideas, thoughts to expand this, make it work. It was written to an image prompt titled green jelly slipper. Without the image - it does not stand on its own. One of the major reasons I left that site. Though I learned a great deal there, I was getting stuck in the rut of writing to a prompt. Great if the prompt was in front of you, but unable to stand on its own without it.

so - there you have it. Your feelings and thoughts with this are right on the money.

~Pamela

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You mean I was right for a change? Goodness, I won't know what to do with myself. I'm sorry I can't offer some really cool insight that just opens this poem up to a clarity beyond the clouds, but...I can't. Now, obviously I "got" more of this than I originally thought and beyond your confirmation. The poem made me feel "icky". It really did. Without knowing exactly what was going on, I had the feeling that "I shouldn't be watching this.".
Did you know the second canto of my big poem is in The Stream? If you had a little time...
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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in line three and wonder why “it” is followed by a phrase in parenthesis? Perhaps replacing it might help you out but other than that I have no suggestions. I think the poem is creative, vivid and captivating.

vexations

Hmm.
It refers to the slipper from the above lines.
Breaks are in place where I want pauses to be.

BUT - This is a bit too obscure and (as you can see by the comments) it needs clarity. I like the lines in parentheses but I may find a way to work them in differently. It was initially intended as almost and aside (whisper) but obviously it is not working.

Thank you for taking the time. I appreciate your thoughts, suggestions, and ideas. This poem is posted for just those things.

~Pamela

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