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In the Twilight

There was a time when I could sing.
Hold a note to the mailbox and back,
then breathe.
There was a time when I could write.
Not just words,
but explosions of emotion carried out through
a hand of passion.
There was a time when I was a Mom,
someone who's very day shone from the sons,
only I could give birth to.
There was a time when I was a daughter.
A balance of pride and joy from a father
who seemed happy to have me around.

Still the same-
yet different.
Aged and withered with time,
and far too many disappointments.
Those lost days trickling through the hourglass
are gaining enthusiasm now.at the end....
and in the twilight
I gently sing
struggle to write
have to make appointments with my sons
and cry for the loss of my dad,
there was a time when ...

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This poem was written by my sister (Sally), she wanted to see what some of you might think about it.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I'll probably read the responses to her on the phone
tomorrow ... she will love yours.

thank you

author comment

Glad you liked it sir, I appreciate you reading and responding
and I know she will be ecstatic when I read these comments
to her.

thanks !

author comment

thank you my friend, have I ever told you about the
warmness you exude, even on the net it's apparent.

thanks, and give my best to Anne

Richard

author comment

That was my first reaction as well, but I didn't say anything
and I'm glad you did. She made me promise not to change
a word of this poem, so I didn't.

glad to see you here ... hope all is good around ya ~

Richard

author comment

She did want the feedback, she just didn't want me to
change anything without her consent, and I agreed, I don't
think I'd like that either. I told her about the cliche and she
agreed, she said it had crossed her mind as well, she wanted
me to thank you for picking up on it.

glad you are ok

Richard

author comment

Tell your sister she should become a member, with poetic skills such as these.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Right now she is computerless ... but she's working
on it and I'm certain that she would like to join.

Richard

author comment

First of poem had me wondering if you were a transexual lol. I have only one small suggestion:
still the same
yet different...............seems a bit vague , maybe a simpler "and now" isolated by a space above and below? In any case I liked this a great deal and would also encourage her to join up................stan

When I read her your response she busted out laughing,
not about the critique though ... she said to thank you for
your consideration and she will look at it again.

Thanks Stan

author comment

I love the transition of of youth, alder, mother, daughter, happiness and sorrow, thats a lot in one poem. great job.
I say continue to write as a matter of fact join us here at Neopoet. So we could read you more offen. it would be a pleasure.
Eddie C.
PS> thanks Richard for posting this jewel for your sister!

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Sally says you are a sweetheart,

thanks man

Richard

author comment
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