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Wages of Sloth...

There is so much to make up for
He has floundered and thrashed about
Maybe he could do more
If he just gets out

He tries and fails so frequently
Nothing seems to work
It seems to come quite naturally
For him to feel a jerk

Each day when he arises
He vows to do his best
But there's no surprises
When today is like the rest

The eternal optimistic
Maybe a different tomorrow
I guess the fates must be sadistic
They bring him only sorrow

But as he lays down his weary head
To sleep again tonight
Hope shines bright o'er his bedstead
That the future is still bright

He will mark the world someday
He knows that it is true
There just has to be a way
He'll figure what to do

Then he'll show them all
He's the one with class
He'll be standing proud and tall
If he will just get off his ass

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Thank you Stan and Jane, and Ephram.
Editing stage: 

Comments

LOL. It seems too many people these days don't realize that the 1st part of accomplishing something is to SHOW UP. As usual I have a few alternatives for you to consider :
L-3 change will to could
L-4 if he would......
L-11 change there's to there are
L-12 change today to each day
L-15 try changing to The fates I guess must bo sadistic
L-20 switch places with still and is
next to last line try ........proud and tall
last word Tell stan to leave your poem alone..................scribbler

is like the first step of any journey. You have to start, before you can finish.
In looking at the changes suggested by you and Jane, I saw a couple that I will make.
[Could] is a good one.
I try not to use what I would consider key words, [each] twice.
It seems to me that changing the line: I guess the fates must be sadistic, changes the cadence just a bit, and I like it the way it is.
I was going to go with [is still] to begin with, and think you are right.
I added the word [proud], it does read better.
Thanks for the suggestions, and if I were to tell you to leave my poem alone, then I would be violating the spirit of why I am here. Thanks, ~ Gee

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author comment

is the son of procrastination. LOL. I think changing the word sadistic to sadist, would lead me to changing the next rhyming line, so it would rhyme better. I suppose that I could, but I'm not sure I want to. I will think on it some more. Thanks for the read and comments. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

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Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
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author comment

So glad you liked the title. It was a struggle to get it right. love ya, ~ Gee

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
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author comment

for pointing that out, and for the great re-write of that stanza. I will go change it. ~ Gee

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

author comment

of the form of this. You've received some good feedback on structure.

I want to comment on the content. You are talking about someone with major depression. They have always been reviled as lazy and useless and only in recent years been recognised and become treatable as having a genuine mental illness. That last line is inhumane. I suggest your poem contributes nothing to someone in this plight.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

This was written by me, about me, for me, and just as a pep-talk. Thanks for the heads up though, maybe I should seek treatment. As always, ~ Gee

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

author comment
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