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If I should love,so I will die

Love is nothing but pain
A slow, silent, smiling killer
Taking your heart to the highest heights
Making you float on a cloud,
As you start smelling roses,
Hearing melody of birds and enjoying the good in life.

It comes down,
Tells you how hard you will fall.

As confusion rushes in, your heart starts to pound
Suddenly you feel this rush of air, as you wonder...
You suddenly realise that the cloud has moved,
Slowly reaching the lowest height ,
Smell of thorns,
Surely going through that, shall kill me.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
This is the revised work, and I would kindly appreciate your comments on this revised piece. Thanks, Introvert
Editing stage: 

Comments

and welcome to Neopoet, I hope you find our site enjoyable and instructive.

Since you have asked for Raw Truth, I am going to give it.

I like this little poem of your's. While the theme is very well used in poetry, Your style of presenting it shows a great deal of promise.

Forgive me, but I assumed that it was written from the point of view of someone quite young, who has had some very negative experiences in terms of love; if this is not the case, then I apologize.

In general I like your language use, but in my opinion it can be improved. For instance:

"Love is nothing but pain
It is a slow, silent, smiling killer
It takes your heart to the highest pick,
It makes you fload on a cloud,
As you start smelling roses,
Hearing the melody of birds and enjoying the good things in life."

in the second and third lines, you use the word "it". In my opinion you can dispense with this, since you have already established that love is the topic in the first line. Thus you might change the first three lines to:-

"Love is nothing but pain,
a slow, silent, smiling killer
that takes your heart to highest peak,"

or something similar.

Notice how these changes improve the cadence of the lines without changing their meaning, and notice too how omitting one single word can give the reader additional focus on the subject.
Also, in lines 2 and 3, the aliteration - the similarity of word sounds - gives the lines additional impact: "slow, silent, smiling killer" and "heart to highest".

I leave the rest to you to think about, except to add that in general, I like to try and remove as many small and superfluous words as possible - the "ands" and "thes" and "Its" - and I always try to keep the length of the lines similar to one another as well, which more often than not improves the rhythm, and gives the reader more structure to focus on, thus giving the meaning more impact, more force.

And of course, always check your spelling...which is a case of "do as I say, not as I do", since I am invariably guilty of bad spelling myself, as anyone here will tell you!

Bear in mind that all of this is my opinion only; if you decide to edit this, I do not expect you to follow any of my suggestions, if you feel they are not of value.

But I do like what you're trying to convey here, and I hope my "raw truth" helps.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Jim beat me to the point on checking spelling lol. Welcome to Neopoet. i could nearly hear your accent by way of word usage. Looking forward to further poems and if you have any problems feel free to ask any here for help. If they can't assist they will steer you to somebody who can...................scribbler

Lol... I never knew that one can notice my age by reading my work and yes you are right,so no offence taken. I have edited the poem according to your suggestions, it`s much better and stronger. I will post the edited version of it very soon and would still appreciate your opinion.....Thank you very much, I am enjoying this site.

Introvert

author comment

and great to hear you are responding so well to Jim's excellent feedback.

You don't have to re-post the edited version, it is better to click on Edit here and submit the changes on the same page.

This is how Neopoet works, we can all see how each others poems grow and evolve,

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

your poem, the older version is retained. It can be seen by clicking on the "Revisions" button above every posted poem.
So there is no need to post an entirely new version; simply change the existing one, and the old one's still there, to be seen. This is extremely useful, when looking back at how a poem developed and changed over time. I use it all the time to look at my own work, and study the comments and changes I made as a result of them.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Hi, I will be more careful with my spelling next time and I appreciate your advice. I will dedfinitely ask for help when in need.

Thanks,
Introvert

author comment

as Chrys I will hold my opinion, Buit i'll tell you that Jim has given sound advice, and Jess suggestion on editing is excellent. it's up to you now.
Eddie C.
"welcome to the land of the freed poets"

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I will leave my comment as a greeting as the above comments are great crits and advice for you, I am just new here too from another site, been here a few weeks and I can throroughly recommend the help and the good nature of people here to enable you to grow. I think this is a fine little start by you. Look forward to seeing you write more :)

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

Thank you very much,it`s much more easier that way.

Introvert

author comment

Hi, I will be awaiting on your comment....I have made certain changes.

Thanks,
Introvert

author comment

I agree with you and I would like your opinion on the revised one, unless they beat you to it again....lol.

Thanks,
Introvert

author comment

Thank you...I was on this site last year before they had a problem with their server. It`s only now that I was able to access it, even though it seems like it`s been working for long.I am sure that this site will help me to grow to my best ability as it was doing last year.

Thanks,
Introvert

author comment

I read this and loved it. I read all the wonderful suggestion you got and I agreed and so I won't share any, then I read your poem again beautiful just beautiful.
Welcome to neopoet and keep writing those wonderful poems.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka. All Neopoets welcome to join the Collaborative Poetry Writing Workshop.
https://pixiblogs.blacpixi.com/

Thank you, Barbara#blushing#

author comment
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