I find myself sitting here with such a heavy heart. What once was my escape from all my demons and pains, I now realize has slipped away into the abyss of my mindmares. What once was laughter has turned into tears. I find myself asking what did I ever do to deserve the heartaches that God has allowed all of my life. I thought for one time I had finally earned a place of happiness. Only to find out that I was the biggest joke yet.

I don't know whats in store for me on this lonely highway of life, I don't even think my heart can ever open up and share love again. It hurts to bad when it breaks, and as in life once broken can never be whole again. I opened my heart, my life, my everything up to you, only to be shut out time after time. Being told it's not you its me... what a crock of shit, it is me … the very essence of me and who I am, what I deserve in life... I am not now nor have I ever been worthy of anyone loving me.

I know the road up a head will be the same dark and lonely road I have walked my entire life.
I have loved and have been loved or what I believed was being loved. Today I am not sure of anything but the pain and tears that are streaming down my face, I know these tears are real, they truly belong to me.

I do love you and I will continue to love with the part of my heart that can be pieced back together with the little dignity that I have left. I wish you sunshine and butterflies each time your eyes close. I hope you find that someone to who you can really love with all of your heart. I pray you have someone who will love you every bit as much as I do... I only want tears of joy to ever seep from your eyes. I want laughter and light to radiate from your beautiful face.

I mourn what was, what could have been... what never was.... I mourn the loss of a good friend, my confidant the one who once made only laughter and smiles light up inside my heart. Today I do not only lose one of the best friends I ever had. I loose another part of me.